


Dear Touka

by JC_2000



Category: Tokyo Ghoul, Tokyo Ghoul - Fandom, Tokyo Ghoul: Re - Fandom, Touka Kirishima x Yoriko Kosaka, Touka x Yoriko, Touriko - Fandom, Yoriko - Fandom, touka - Fandom
Genre: AU, Angst, Anteiku - Freeform, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Moving On, Multi, Partially because I haven’t finished re yet, Post Time Skip, Recovery, Slow Burn, Tw implied/referenced stalking, and for hide and kanekis escape from the ccg, and for how they left things, as well as kaneki not losing their memories and staying as them self, au where the events of re are much different, but different story for touka and yorikos relationship, tw blood, tw drowning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-31
Updated: 2020-08-31
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:55:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 27,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26223739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JC_2000/pseuds/JC_2000
Summary: After the Anteiku raid Yoriko has found herself without anyone to lean on . She doesn’t know where her best friend is or how to move on from her loss . But she’s sure she’ll figure it out eventually . Or at least she hopes she will.
Relationships: Kaneki Ken | Sasaki Haise/Nagachika Hideyoshi, Kirishima Touka/Kosaka Yoriko, hidekane - Relationship, touriko
Comments: 3
Kudos: 14
Collections: Tokyo Ghoul Femslash, Tokyo Ghoul Fics





	1. Chapter 1

Chapter1 :It’s been a while...

The bustling street was obnoxiously loud, and far too crowded for comfort. Two of Yoriko’s least favorite things . There were so many people and yet so few were actually wanted around her . 

_ How sad is it that I actually feel lonely in a place this full  _ _?_ She thought to herself ,suddenly struggling not to shout at the prick who just stepped on her foot while passing by .

_ Ok , OW ... you’re lucky I’m nice ... jerk _ _._ The threat rattled around her head as though if she thought it hard enough he’d sense her anger and apologize . ... Not so surprisingly that didn’t happen . 

_ Why is the zoo so busy all of a suddenanyway? It feels like everyone got a “ screw up Yoriko’s plans “ reminder today . _

Because of Yoriko’s lack of attentiveness the turnstile gate at the zoo’s entrancehit her on the hip. She really needed a chance to sit down so maybe she could catch a break . Pushing at it it forced out an awful metallic groaning. More like the croak of a dying bird than a sound any self respecting gate should make . But she gave the pipe a shove with more of her body weight and it finally gave way. She could barely catch her balance but luckily she kept “ falling on the pavement “ off her list of grievances today.

_Damn this place could use some fixing up . I didn’t think it would look quite as nice as when me and touka were kids but jeez, even with nostalgia glasses It’s really just falling apart at the seams._

It used to be so shiny and well polished , the signs felt freshly painted and everythingsmelt like caramel and popcorn . Only now all the metal was rusted, all the signs were chipped, and the smell of sunscreen wafted through the air. Not exactly the nostalgic experience she had hoped for. It only served to remind herthat nice things change for the worst when they’re abandoned . 

_ Abandoned ... _

For some reason that word resonated with her much stronger than it should have . A forgotten longing that her body could still feel. 

Reluctantly Yoriko pulled out her phone . She knew she’d be disappointed to see a screen devoid of notifications from her friend, but she had to check again regardless .

And just like all her other glancesthere was nothing there . It was really out of character for Touka to ghost her like this . The two would text all the time when they weren’t talking in person . Sure on occasion she would black out for a day or two, but there was usually some sort of sickness or phone trouble to explain away her absence . 

However, it had been a week and a half since yoriko had heard a word from her best friend . Typically optimism would be flowing through her veins and and making her heart beat with smiles,but admittedly doubt was starting to creep in . 

Touka being late was borderline expected. Not responding to her texts wasn’t that odd . Not answering her other calls was a bit strange . But not answering an accumulated hundred calls without so much as a text back ? There’s no way she wasn’t in trouble somehow . She called again only to hear the infuriating three beep tone instead of touka’s soothing but agitated voice. Sighing softly she returned it to her pocket when she heard her name being called . 

“ Touka?! You picked up?!” Yoriko squeaked in surprisefrantically scrambling to get her phone out of her pocket . When she finally got it she nearly dropped it in her stressed out stupor . But oddly enough her phone hadn’t been ringing . 

_ The hell ? Did Ijust miss her or-  _

The voice spoke up again , not from her phone but over her shoulder.

Touka Stood with her hands crossed , breaking the formation to tap her brunette friend on the shoulder 

“Hey Yoriko! Sorry I’m late I got held up - whoah! “she jumped, being cut off by Yoriko’s sudden movements.

Swiveling in an instant Yoriko’s whole body shook and her breath hitched. She was quick to take touka into her embrace . Those soft hands wrapped around and gripped the back of toukas shirt tightly without fully realizing what she was doing. Touka’s warmth spread all the way to her fingertips, a sense of calm washing away her panic. But part of her body knew better than to trust it. Suddenly Yoriko became acutely aware that her dry palms were shaking and her finger nails were leaving indents where they pressed into Touka’s now wrinkled shirt .

“Oh my god Touka, I was so worried about you! “ she breathed out exasperated . With a swell of emotion she hardly new she was holding in she spoke up again, “Where the hell were you?! You were gone for so long did ... did something happen to you d-did you ...”. Thinking of what to ask was difficult, she didn’t even have guesses at what happened so she reserved herself to just shut up and listen. Her cheeks were wet with hot tears. 

Touka held up her hands like someone directing traffic because she desperately needed Yoriko to slow down before she over worked herself. “Hey hey , shh it’s okay Yoriko I’m alright I promise “ Touka attempted to sooth her concerned companion. “Just take some deep breaths okay ? Innn and ooouuut “ she repeated copying the movement so that yoriko could replicate it . She felt rushed to de-escalate the situation , having no clue thatthis scenario had gotten Yoriko so worked up. 

“Please just give me a minute to explain okay ? Things were getting really wild at the shop and one of the new waitresses bumped into me ...” she pulled out her smashed up phone and accompanied it with an irritated roll of her eyes .The two halves dangled in front of her to show the extent of the damage .“I’m really sorry this stressed you out so much. I figured it wouldn’t be this big of a deal “. 

Touka had no idea that such a minor thing would have her friend so scared for her well being , she always knew Yoriko was a compassionate girl but seeing her quiver like that really put how felt her absence was into perspective . 

Yoriko clutched her left hand in her right . It felt wonderful to have her heart beat slow back down , the residual stomach pain hadn’t quite subsided yet though . _ Weird, I don’t know why that got me so worried. I mean I already knew she would be fine ... why can’t I feel complete relief, something’s holding me back... I hate it .  _

Touka’s voice made her body react like she had flipped a switch . Somewhere deep down she knew what could have gone wrong , and just how lucky she should feel that Touka actually stood in front of her like that . 

“Touka ...” Yoriko started , glad to have caught her voice back , despite some wavering in its tone. “ Please promise me you’ll never scare me like that again “

Touka twitched . Her head turned away and looked down at the ground ,closing herself off, with her body slumped over. 

** She gave no response.  **

“ Touka ? Talk to me come on , we don’t keep secrets do we ?”. Her confidence was dwindling the longer she talked , and every second of her agonizing silence made her more frightened than anything she could have said. 

“Touka ? Touka come on don’t do this shit !” Agitation boiled over while her throat started to burn . Touka looked up with watery eyes . Her expression told Yoriko she had so much to tell that she just couldn’t . And the secrets frightened her . 

“ TOUKA PLEASE !” Yoriko screamed . She took a few steps forward as quickly as she could and jutted out her hand to lock with Touka’s. She was beyond scared. The closer she reached  the further she seemed to drift away from her beloved friend . 

Touka vanished and the world around Yoriko swirled into the bright light of her ceiling fan . An outstretched hand clenched onto the air where she could have stood . The nightmares taunted her . 

_ Even my head won’t let me be with you .. _

A pathetic unfinished whisper escaped her lips . 

“Was I just not enough ?” 

Her pillow was now held tightly in her arms , her legs wrapped around it too. She didn’t want to cry anymore but it felt like she was being punched in the stomach with every gasp of air. She had to flip the pillow under her head over so she wasn’t laying in the cold wet spot she had cried in her sleep . Out of embarrassment with the neighboring apartment hearing her through the paper thin walls she tried to cover her mouth to muffle her sobbing . It only helped a little with the overwhelming eruption . 

_ Do I have to go into work ? Can’t I just tell them I died or something and curl into a ball all day ? _ She planned, too tired to realize how little that made sense . 

The bullshit alarm clock was loud as ever. She rapidly slapped the snooze button which would in theory give her ten more minutes . But what felt like three seconds later it was back up and screaming again . 

A spirit of motivation on her shoulder shoved her into an upright position .  _ Fine ... no way to avoid gettingready I suppose . _ Reluctantly she rubbed her eyes free of sleep and sorrow . They burned . 

A few strokes of a comb fixed her frazzled hair . And she elected to use a hairband in place of washing her hair. 

A zombie looked back at her in the mirror. 

The new face of a flower shop employee needed to look happy, she needed to have a spring in her step. That would be impossible. But with a little make up under her eyes and some upbeat music playing in her headphones, she could at least make it to a decent amount of pep in her step. She didn’t expect anyone would fault her for being upset, most people wouldn’t be doing just fine if someone who was basically family dropped out of their life for six months either. But Yoriko was by no means a girl who wanted to be pitied . 

She put on her game face turned up the tunes, and with a wobbling in her knees that she had to push past she left the apartment and started her short walk to her semi new job. 

Technically it was her first day , but the manager, Ms. Hayami, was incredibly kind to her during the interviews and walked Yoriko through what she would be doing there . 

When the shop came into view it put some calm into Yoriko’s dizzy mind . The store was just so pleasing to look at she couldn’t help herself . It was relatively small , only a little larger than her apartment was, with a break room, a front area, and a small room on the side where they held all the flowers. That area had the walls taken down so it makes itself and the main area one big room . 

Colorful flowers brightened up the windows as well as her day . But beyond them stood ... strangers .  _ Hhhh new people ... gotta make a good first impression . How do people even make friends anymore , the last person I tried that with was touka and ... that didn’t work out so maybe I need to do things differently ?  _

She continued thinking to herself while she walked . Each step further towards the shop brought her further into her thoughts . The two other employees watched Yoriko just walk into the room without saying a word or looking at anyone . 

_ But what if I say something dumb , or if my makeup isn’t right and they can tell I’ve been crying ... or what if .. _ She looked up slowly at two people staring at her . _ Oh god how long have they been looking at me . _

Her arms bent and laughed nervously .  _ Shit I need to say something what do I say what do I say?! _

“Yoriko !” She said with a wave 

_ Someone please hit me with a bus now .  _

The short haired brunette snickered and the girl with long black hair beside her punched her in the shoulder .

Her ears and cheeks felt hot “u-uhm I mean , my names Yoriko I’m new here !”  _ They know I’m new here why did I say that?! _ A thin lipped smile was plastered on her face and she took a deep breath through her nose.

“Daitan!” The short haired girl responded , copying Yoriko’s tone of voice “ I’m old here.”,the girl laughed.  She seems , energetic .  Yoriko realized when she jumped around and passed an invisible mic over to her taller friend. 

The girl with silky black hair seemed much more serious . She eyed down Daitan as if the microphone gag was far too stupid for her to go along with , but with an exasperated sigh she pretended to grab the non present microphone . “My names Aiko, it’s nice to meet you.” She said reaching out to formally shake Yoriko’s hand . “There’s no need to be nervous.“  _ There’s literally every need to be nervous , I look like a mess and I just stumbled into a room with two emotionally stable attractive older girls, but okay. _ “This jobs pretty easy ,so it’s not really much to stress over , Daitan and I are gonna show you the ropes today and then we can start switching jobs tomorrow.” She gave a small thumbs up before walking away to grab her phone off the counter and check her phone . A look of surprise on her face said that it was important. 

“ Daitan I gotta call Hitomi can you start showing her how to work on the bouquets ?” Aiko asked and hurriedly walked into the break room with the phone buzzing. 

Her hand moved to her chin, _ I wonder what’s up with her. Well I guess to be fair she probably wonders what’s up with me.  _ Daitan clapped her hands from the other side of the room, “Alright Yoko let’s get your body ~moviiin, right over here!”. She sang , maybe trying to parody some song ? 

“It’s Yoriko actually.” She mumbled , following her instruction regardless and making her way over to the wall of flowers . Such a satisfying mix of colors , and the smell of roses was always lovely. 

“Alright so here , making bouquets is actually a lot easier than you’d think , I was always worried about the color pallete and all that but turns out you don’t have to do any of that!” Wrinkled papers got pulled out of her back pocket. “See here , we’ve got a number system that matches the shelves . So..” she flipped it over showing a diagram with squares in a pattern with numbers in each of the squares . “And then you just follow the diagram , make sense ?”. She tilted her head getting just a little bit too close into Yoriko’s personal space bubble . 

“Y-yep ... makes sense to me “ she said in a higher pitch trying to take a large step back as casually as possible .

“Sick ! Here see if you can try and make this rose bouquet, one of our regulars Koemi is coming to pick it up this afternoon. She’s the sweetest you’ll love her,, plus you’re totally her type”. She teased and booped Yoriko on the nose. 

_ This girl needs to understand boundariesreal quick. _ “What is that supposed to mean ?” She asked , and got no response , because Daitan had already skipped her way back to the break room. 

She shook her head.  _ So weird, but at least they’re friendly . Could be worse.  _ Yoriko stretched her arms and popped her knuckles and set out to get to work . Taking a glance at the inventory she spotted her favorite flower the bell flower. 

_They look so beautiful. The purple and blue petals made the most adorable bell shapes ._ She felt like she could almost imagine the cute jingle they would make if she shook them . It sent a jolt of giddy through her body thinking about the little  _ jing a ling’s _ they would make. Underneath the plaque read some fun facts about the more special meanings behind the flowers . 

‘The bellflower is named after its distinct small bell shape , and even the name campanula translates to little bell .’  _ Well duh , that much I knew already _ _._ ’The flowers represent gratitude , humility , attractiveness , and everlasting love . ‘ 

_ Everlasting love ?  _ The phrase knocked loose a memory of herself tucking one behind touka’s ear because of how well it matched the shade of her hair. Her eyes narrowed . _Oh my god did touka know that’s what that meant ? She didn’t think ... that I had a thing for her did she? Maybe that’s why she left ._ She paused for a moment before thinking rationally again. _No that’s not right touka was so happy after that . If she knew that would that girl everyone thought was so grumpy wear those flowers proudly all day long._

The image of her laughing friend came back so vividly , despite how long it had been since she saw it. Touka’s smile was so warm. That side of Touka was a secret to most people, but not to her. To Yoriko she was one of the happiest people around , but only when the people in her life allowed her to . Her family had problems , and being the new girl at school caused her a lot of stress as well . But when they were alone they could laugh , they could sing , they could just be themselves. The real authentic Touka was breathtaking. 

At this point she realized she had zoned out for a little too long . Not wanting to fall behind she set to work putting the bouquet together . And despite a few issues finding certain flowers , the end result was a genuinely desirable flower arrangement.

  
Walking into the break room with it she set it down on the break room desk , hands on her hips and smirking with an air of self-contentedness.

“How’s it look girls ?” Yoriko asked eager for some hopefully positive feedback . The two of them actually looked impressed . Especially for her first bouquet. 

Daitan just ooo’d and ahhh’d over the well put together peice. And Aiko complimented a lot of the details of the arrangement , especially noting how delicately she put it together .  _I do have very gentle hands._ Aiko honestly seemed a lot more amiable than her serious persona have off earlier. 

“Seriously, great work yoko” 

“ uh ... no it’s Yori-“

“ yeah yeah I’m just messing with ya “ Daitan teased while leaving the break room . Yoriko and Aiko talked for a while until they were interrupted. 

“Yo-ri-koooo~” Daitan sang out far too loudly “ you got a customer coming that can’t wait to meet’cha!” 

_ Jeez , inside voice seems like something she needs to learn as well . Is this how touka felt when she met me? Nah, I wasn’t this overly hyper.  _ “Coming!” She called back in a demonstration of proper volume.

Talking to new people typically stressed Yoriko out but given the new people she’s already met today she was getting somewhat used to it. She felt at ease until she walked into the main room and saw Koemi for the first time . 

The sunlight glowing through the windows really painted her in the perfect light. A golden shine complimented the white polka dot dress she wore . It glinted over the glasses her bright sapphire eyes shone behind. Her hair was wavy and caramel brown , the way it swayed when she turned was like the slow motion shots of the new girls in those dumb rom coms. 

_ She’s... really freakin pretty, wow. I wonder if she’s my age ?  She at least appeared to be. Well wait why would that matter !  _ She cursed herself at her strange line of thought. She appeared to still be in the middle of a phone conversation with someone.  _ Her boyfriend maybe ?  _ The way she laughed at whatever they said brought on this fluttery feeling . _ I haven’t had a conversation like that in, far too long...Uhg what’s wrong with me , being jealous of a stranger on the phone .  _

“Alright alright mom I gotta let you go , I’ll see you soon ... mhm ... yeah I love you too mom .” Koemi ended the call by kissing her phone screen which was adorable in its own right . _Guess it’s not a boyfriend then , but I’m sure she probably has one._

“ Sorry about that , hard to get her to stop once she’s stuck on something ... oh you’re new!”, Koemi exclaimed . “Always nice to see a new face. Especially when it’s such a cute one.”  _A cute one !? If anything she’s leagues cuter than I am._

“ Yeah I just started this morning. My names Yoriko , and you must be koemi right ?” Holding up the bouquet for her to take suddenly put into perspective how intimate an exchange it was . She’d have to get more used to that . 

“Yoriko , what a nice name . You look really unfamiliar. I know I don’t know everyone but I get around town pretty often . I do a lot of floral arrangements and whatnot and I meet a lot of people that way . So I take it you’re not from around here ?” Koemi asked in a round about fashion 

_ Wow she’s perceptive .  _ “Yeah actually, I just got an appartment here a couple of weeks ago . Back home has a lot of memories I’d rather distance myself from so , figured I might as well get a fresh start.” She rubbed the back of her neck as she spoke . Not certain why she felt so focused on saying the right things .

“ Well I’d be happy to give you a tour of all the local hot spots. If you’ve got the time.” Her watch started beeping quickly “ shit , speaking of time , I’m very much out of it , I’ll be back again tomorrow and we can chat more!” She proposed, paying for the flowers quickly and walking out the door . “Be seein ya flower girl !” She waves at Yoriko playfully. 

Despite Koemi being gone she still perceived herself in the spot light . Daitan and Aiko came out from the back .

“ Congrats !” They shouted in unison “ Happy first sale , you did great yoriko “. Aiko spoke up,” You gotta come out to dinner with us , it’s just a little welcoming tradition we do for every new employee .” 

“But aren’t there only two of you?” Yoriko cocked her head to the side curiously . 

“ Well damn yoriko I didn’t say it was a long tradition “ Aiko laughed off . 

A clear food fanatic and aspiring chef herself yoriko was more than happy to accept the offer . Plus there was never anything wrong with getting closer with her co workers . The rest of her shift flew by , no real customers came in just some typical tending to the flowers passed the time until the dinner . 

Regardless of Daitans Insistence that she should drive aiko took the wheel . Apparently daitan likes speeding a little too much . Which she denied but Aiko was too stern and responsible to let that slide .

Yoriko did her best to spur up conversation on the way there . But their arguing about directions took over more time than she would have expected . 

Upon arrival the atmosphere of the restaurant was really nice . It was the kind of place that made her feel self conscious about the size of her wallet . But putting that aside , it all seemed very romantic . Even as they walked by there were plenty couples enjoying each other’s company .yoriko stared for maybe too long at some of them .  _ Why don’t I have that ?  _ The walls were made of a dark red stained wood . With hanging lights over each table bringing in a sense of warmth into the place . 

A seat towards the back looked much more appealing for Aiko, and yoriko was more than willing to accommodate that. “So how often does that Koemi girl come in ? She said she’d see me soon , but how many flowers does one girl need?” 

The pair laughed and daitan felt fit to answer . “ Koemi’s been a regular of ours for a while now . She just loves flowers , and that’s really all there is to it “

“Plus she has a garden at her appartment so she has a lot of places to fill with flowers“ Aiko added on.

“She gets flowers for decorations and for art projects “

“And for mother’s and Father’s Day gifts “

“Not to mention those beautiful displays she would get custom made for her girlfriend “ Daitan recalled. 

The word girlfriend stood out in her mind like a sore thumb . But why should she care , she hardly knows this girl let alone does she have any need to make any assumptions based on her .

“Oh she has a girlfriend? “ she asked with a bit of surprise , disappointment , and curiosity in her tone. “How long have they been together ?” 

“  Had “  Aiko corrected “They had a pretty nasty break up after Koemi found out she wasn’t the only person her partner was being intimate with ... gotta feel awful for her “ she continued “But luckily time heals, and she’s not too torn up over high school sweethearts anymore don’t worry , I doubt it’s even crossed her mind in a while “ . 

“ ooo~ speaking of high school sweethearts “ daitan started up energetically “ d’you leave behind any broken hearts when you moved here yoriko?” 

“Daitan come on ! Don’t be rude“

“No no it’s alright ...” she started “ but no uhm ... it’s more like the other way around honestly .” While she spoke her comfort seemed to be readily decreasing 

“ I had a friend ..” _had ... why“had ? I still have her it’s not like she’s gone for good , I’ll find her some day won’t I ?_ “ and her name was ... touka “ . It felt like a betrayal to be giving up on her like this , but just once she wanted to feel like she was listening to reason . 

“She was the first ... and possibly the only real friend I’ve ever had,”  _she’ll probably end up being the last_ “ we meant the world to each other ,” _ but what if that was only one sided . She wouldn’t use me . But , she already did didn’t she _

“ And I guess she decided that I wasn’t good enough for her , and , and I guess I didn’t even deserve the courtesy of a goodbye .” Distances between breaths got shorter heartbeat became faster .” Touka just ran . She was gone and she didn’t answer me for months . She  still hasn’t ! “ . A tremble built up on its way to her throat threateningto burst into flat out sobbing . “ my best friend left me behind and I’ll never know why. “. The stinging in her hand was the first thing she noticed , the second being the reason her eyes were burning, and her cheeks were wet . The spilled water and shocked expressiknsfilled In the rest . She quickly stabilized the now wobbly table. _Fuck I didn’t even notice I hit it._

Daitan was quick to extend a hand and put it on her shoulder . She was just teasing earlier , expecting maybe an embarrassing story but not something like this . “ hey hey ... it’s alright . Sorry for bringing that up , I just didn’t think things would get so ...” she paused for a moment trying to find the most fitting word “ heavy “ she settled on . 

Yoriko took a few deep breaths catching herself before she could hope to respond casually . “ it’s okay honest. I didn’t expect to get so emotional either , I guess I’ve just never said it out loud to someone before and it just hit me a lot harder .”  _ Like a fucking train. _

Aiko, who had stayed silent until this point spoke up with a gentle air of helpfulness .” It’s not good to keep things bottled up like that , especially if it’s something that’s clearly taking a toll on you. “ she reached into her purse and pulled out a card with a number on it . Turning it over Yoriko saw the name of the doctor and felt almost offended . 

“You think I need therapy ?” She pouted and crossed her arms , irritated at the suggestion. “But I’m not ...I don’t have any problems there’s nothing wrong with me “ she shot back at her . 

With a lack of response that saidthis hadn’t been the first time she had heard those misunderstandings , aiko raised a hand to calm her .” Listen therapy isn’t inherently bad . It’s something as simple as talking to someone about things that bother you . The same as your doing with us right now “ she elaborated . Putting her hand on top of Yoriko’s , that was still shaking a little. She continued “ but daitan and I aren’t professionals . We can listen and we can understand but we can’t help you work through it the right way.” 

Guilt pulled at her heartstringsat this point . She really hoped she hadn’t hurt Aiko with her outburst . “ ... I-I see , I’m really sorry “ she relented “ I guess I just didn’t know it was such a normal thing. Touka had really been my outlet and without her there ... “ she trailed off , her mouth not wanting to continue the thoughts her brain held

“Is she nice ?”the wavering in her nervous voice really touched Aiko 

“The nicest ! There’s never a moment where I don’t feel comfortable with her I promise . She’d be great for you.”

With a tentative hand Yoriko slipped the card into her wallet. “If you don’t mind my asking uhm ... why did you have to go see her in the first place?” 

Aiko hesitated for a long moment , looking more tired just thinking about a response. Normally Aiko was so unphased it was clear to see that this wasn’t something light on her mind . Daitan knowingly rubbed her shoulder in a non verbal sign of support and strength . 

“ When I was in high school ... I had a stalker . He was much older than me , probably in his thirties and I was only seventeen .” Yoriko felt a queasiness churning in her stomach . Just thinking about this story made her feel so worried for her .

“He was always walking around in the parking lot when I would leave for the day . He never stopped staring at me . Sometimes when I walked to school I could s-see him peeking around the corners .” She shivered a little and Daitan took over the story . 

“And that’s when she realized it wasn’t just her imagining things, and something dangerous was going on. She didn’t want to tell her parents because she was sure they would take her out of school and it would be so embarrassing. So instead she told me .” She smiled . Still seeming proud that she was the one chosen to confide this information in . 

“So we both stayed together and tried to stick in larger groups and little by little we started seeing less and less of him. We assumed he gave up but ....” Daitans eyes darted over to Aiko , not wanting to tell more of her story than she had permission to . It wasn’t her place to decide how much of it was common knowledge especially with the darker subject matter . 

After a rather long sip of her drink that only served to by her some more time . She lowered her voice to a notch above a whisper. “But one night I walked down into the kitchen to get some water. It was about 2 or 3 am , really late so I was really groggy . And then I saw him outside my house.“ 

Yorikos heart was pounding . She knew Aiko had to made it out alive for her to be here, but just thinking about this scenario was horrifying.

“He was standing in the driveway just staring in through the window . And when i made eye contact with him he smiled and ran behind the trees where I couldn’t see him.” Reliving the story was taking its toll, Aiko kept looking around the room like he could be in here watching her right now . 

“I called for my dad and he came down to see me crying. My dad was always a happy man so I’d never really seen him mad before, but he looked furious. I didn’t want to be alone at all so I followed him to his room and he tookhis gun out of the safe in the closet. I really had no idea what was in that safe but I at least felt a little safer that my dad was armed. I pulled out my phone and called the police, but at that point he decided to reveal himself again.“ Her phone vibrating from a text made Yoriko jump . It wasn’t anything important but she was so tense and the feeling of something touching her almost made her scream . 

“But anyway ... he started running towards the house and my dad aimed the gun and pulled the trigger. ... it just bounced off of him. Over the phone I screamed that it was a ghoul before he cracked the phone on the ground with his ... kagune I think they called it that. And after his kagune broke through it pulled the rest of his body in , like some freakish human spider .“ she started tearing up , not wanting to get into the specifics of the more graphic parts 

“My dad isn’t ... here anymore . And the ccg came to kill that monster but not before -“ she pulled up her sleeve to show a deep and dark scar on her fore arm . The jagged outline of teeth marks couldn’t be misconstrued , and even though the skin had healed over it looked rough and purple . More like a scab that was trying it’s best to be presentable than a layer of skin . 

“ I’m ... I’m so sorry ..” Yoriko stumbled into an apology . She was never good with emotional problems . She always worried so much about toukas relationship with her brother but she never knew what to say when her family was brought up . Yorikos love language of consisted of gifts and company and distractions from the problems , she didn’t know how to talk people through them . 

“ B-but at least he’s gone now right? ... I’m sure there’s at least some comfort to know that this is all done with.“ _This poor girl ... I can’t believe creatures as vile as ghouls really exist out there , pretending to be normal humans ... or friends._

“ But it’s not done with.“ she scoffed, “It’s never done with , we live in a world where my experience is the norm not an exception. Every day I have to live knowing that at any point in time someone in the room I’m in could eat me alive , and I would be helpless to stop them. I don’t have any control over my life Yoriko , and neither do you. We live only because those freaks  allow it!”

This time Yoriko really was speechless . She kept running through her mind trying to find anyway to respond . But she was horrified . She didn’t have any way to deny what she was saying . Those freaks of the world killed for fun , they could kill her before she made something of herself .

_I’m on a timer ... but I’m not the one who gets to see the numbers tick down . What use do dreams have when you don’t know when you’ll wake up?_

They stopped being at a dinner together . All three were alone in their isolated newly darkened perceptions of the world . No one spoke because no one could find a word worth saying . There was no denying it . This was a ghouls world , and humans were just the ants they stepped on.

The check was paid , they walked to the car, and took the 15 minute drive back to Yoriko’s apartment . It all happened subconsciously. Yoriko was on autopilot floating through a void until Aiko snapped her out of it. 

“ I’m sorry I freaked you out “ Aiko said unprovoked to do so. Yoriko struggled to respond. “What? “.  _ I know what she said why do Ialways say what when I canhear just fine _ _._ “Oh ... oh it’s okay“ she said legitimately once she heard Aiko start to repeat herself . 

“ It’snot though. I have to have talks with my therapist every week just to come to terms with this some of the time , and even that doesn’t help with the nightmares . “ she turned on her blinker , quieting down as she took the turn . A much safer driver than Daitan would have been . “But I have my trauma and it really seems like you have yours. I won’t force you to do anything but I really can’t recommend enough that you call her ... make an appointment , just give one visit a try.”

Yoriko meekly nodded her head as her apartment came into view . Waving a goodbye as she left the car Aiko called out one last word of advice . 

“You don’t deserve to be controlled by other people’s actions Yoriko , remember that ... and be safe.“ 

And with that she drove out of the driveway . Without the headlights of the car everything seemed so dark . She was quick to pull out her phones flashlight , vaguely illuminating the veil of nothingness around her as her eyes adjusted . 

Shadows danced and rearranged whilst she ran up the stairs to her front door step.The shadow of a tree looked like a man . The sound of a bird was the sound of a scream .  _ Fuck fuck fuck ! Please don’t hurt me please , I don’t want to die I don’t I don’t .  _ The frantic jingling of her keychain mixed with the scratches on her lock , struggling to articulate her movements and unlock the door . Every second away from that safety could be her last . 

The distance between her breaths shrank ten fold . Her head felt light and her body felt tense .  _ Wrong key ! Shit , no not this one either . Please be this one please.  _

**Footsteps ...**

They echoed on the empty concrete and took up all the sound in the hall 

** CLUNK **

The key twisted and Yoriko nearly fell through the door , all her body weight having been pressed on it . She yanked out the key and slammed it shut locking it back and pressing her back against the frame . 

The footsteps didn’t stop 

_Faster . Louder . Closer ._

Yorikos heart pounded in her throat 

The pulsing in her body bringing her to the verge of a migraine . She turned around and clenching her fists so hard her fingernails broke skin she forced herself to look through the peephole .

Through the foggy glass distorting her vision she saw ... her neighbor out walking her dog . 

_ God I’m so paranoid . Thanks a fucking lot Aiko  _ _._ It felt nice to breathe normally again . And collapsing on her mattress was such a luxury . She curled up like a cat on the edge of her bed , unable to pull any sort of energy from the depths of her exhausted and frightened self.

_I can’t go to sleep like this though ... I already know I’ll have nightmares like crazy ._ Yoriko took deep breaths and just stared at the ceiling for a while .  The warm yellow light of her lamp brought a glow that spelled out safety , no matter how true that statement was. 

There was an extensive glance out the window as she pondered who or what could be there . The thought of seeing glowing red eyes shook her to her core, so she had to lay back down for her own mental health. 

She figured the easiest way to fix fear was a happy distraction . So she pulled out her phone and watched some YouTube videos with cats and comedy sketches and laté art time lapses . All the things that would make her feel relaxed . 

_ Ding ding _

Her camera roll notified her there was a new ‘ memory ‘ . A setting on her phone that would show old photos or videos after it’s been a year . Normally she wouldn’t care too much but she was bored scared and curious and didn’t see the harm . Adjusting her position on the sheets so she at least had some blanket to cover her feet she groaned . 

_Why they never fix the heating unit in this over priced place is beyond me ._

Clicking the icon opened up the app and loaded up a photo of -

_Touka ?_

It had been so long since she’d seen Touka outside of her minds eye . She looked softer than she remembered . Her smile brighter than she ever could’ve recalled .  _ She looks so ... blissful . I miss seeing that side of her . Well , I guess I miss seeing all sides of her. _

As she scrolled through the album a warmth spread through her chest . Comfort was back within reach . There was an abnormal sense of jealousy of ... herself for some reason . Part of her wished Touka would just put her arm around her again . That she could hear toukas day-enhancinglaughter. That kind where she just couldn’t stop giggling and she had to hold onto Yoriko for balance. She’d do anything for one of those right about now .  _ Was this always how she made me feel ... or is this just stronger because she’s been gone for so long ?  _ she pondered without reaching a conclusion . 

She was just about to Call it a nightand go to sleep but something bagged at her .  _ Wait ... do i still have ... Yes, I do!  _ Elation overwhelmed her when she saw the voicemail hadn’t been deleted from her inbox . She turned up the volume and hit play and instantly remembered when it was from . 

When Yoriko met touka she didn’t have any friends . Touka was the new girl at this school , and everyone else had known each other since around kindergarten . So she was largely on her own . But after about a month or so of them being friends touka still didn’t fully understand what was considered traditional . So she called me late one night and left me this voicemail 

“Hey Yoriko ...” the touka on the voicemail started . An unsteadiness in her tone that said wow I’m incredibly embarrassed , or maybe , I’ve already read this aloud many times and it still doesn’t sound right .“I just needed to tell you uhm... I know we haven’t known each other very long ,but I really appreciate everything you’re doing for me . I’m just some stranger to you and you’ve been nothing but nice and sweet and I’ve ... never really had that before . I don’t know if this is how I’m supposed to act around friends or if I’m being weird but , either way I know somehow you won’t mind.” 

She knew even now that was true . After all this time if touka knocked on her door she knew she’d just hug her as tightly as her arms would allow . 

“You’re just a really special person Yoriko . And I’m proud to call you my friend . It’s just really important to me that someone in my life knows what they mean to me .” 

And with that it ended . Despite knowing full well it was an old recording and not a call Yoriko couldn’t keep herself from responding out loud 

“ I know you often think badly of yourself touka , you beat yourself up for a lot of things that aren’t your fault . And with the way your dad and Ayato left you you’ve got a lot of guilt on your shoulders . But whatever you’re feeling that’s keeping you away from me , I need you to know that’s not your fault ... it’s okay to just come back to me . I’m a little mad sure but genuinely ...” she looked out the window into the dark street below her , part of her heart hoped touka was near by and listening “ I just want you back in my life again . I’ll be content with that .” She paused and then continued with an anger in her voice “The ghouls did this ... those human eating freaks of nature ruined what we had .... I want those fuckers to suffer for what they did to us . And maybe one day If the ccg does they’re job right ... we’ll meet again in a perfect world.” 

After that she laid down in her bed . The time on her phone signified it was ‘way too fucking late ‘ o clock and she would be dead tired if she didn’t sleep soon . It wasn’t very hard to drift off . And for the first time in a long time , her dreams didn’t turn to nightmares . 

Just as predicted , when that alarm went off Yoriko felt utterly drained . Although waking up without crying was a really welcomed surprise . She got dressed for work and glanced down at the card aiko had given her the night before . 

_ If a simple talk like last night helped so much ... I really ought to give a professional a try  _ _._ Calling people to set up appointments always gave her a little anxiety but she figured it would be better to just bite the bullet . Pulling out her phone she typed in the number and took a deep breath . 

“My name’s Yoriko Kosaka ... I was wondering if you could help me ?” 

Things at work were a lot better . Despite her initial concerns talking would be awkward between Aiko Daitan and herself, they almost seemed friendlier than normal . 

_Discussions about trauma must really help people relate huh ?_

Feeling the need Yoriko took aiko aside .

” Hey so ... I took your advice , I made an appointment for after my shift ends . And I really think this’ll help me , so I just wanted to thank you. I’m new to all this , and I’m super sorry if I was insensitive last night “ 

Aiko just chuckled “ it’s alright kid you’re forgiven “ 

_Kid ? I’m the same age as you..._

But before Yoriko could clarify that Aiko cut her off putting a finger to her lips.

“Come to think of it , if you do wanna make it up to me I wouldn’t say no to a little help. A client I’m supposed to take care of is coming in soon but I haven’t gotten a chance to eat anything all day “ she groaned “Cover for me ? I’m staaarving” Aiko asked with a half smirk 

“Yeah yeah alright “ she rolled her eyes “ I’ll be here when they get here you go head out .” She paused “But don’t be too long! I can’t take care of the shop on my own you know“. 

_ Well that’s what I get for opening my big mouth , I’m not supposed to be the customer service person ... that means I’ll have to talk to people ... that I don’t know ... ew . _

Aiko left for her early lunch break with Daitan who’s break was right on schedule . And Yoriko tried to take advantage of this free time as best she could. No one was gonna be here for a while so she didn’t see the harm in a little slacking off. 

Slipping in her headphones and turning on some of the pop music she loved listening to, the flower shop soon became a sold out venue for a concert with no audience. 

Humming and singing along she really just needed some break time of her own. The broom became a guitar , and she tried unsuccessfully a few times to copy that trick dancers would do where they catch a rose in their teeth . 

“ OW, shit !” The mildly injured girl exclaimed upon finally catching it properly .

_ Maybe I shouldn’t have used one with thorns ... _

_  
_ The concert resumed after a first aid intermission . And Yoriko found herself chorus deep in a love song when she made eye contact with the customer ... who had seemingly been at the front desk for a while now.

“ h-hey oh my god sorry !” She frantically scrambled to pull out and push away her headphones . Her cheeks flushed pink from extreme embarrassment 

_ Oh and of course it has to be the cute girl from yesterday. Things are always more embarrassing when it’s in front of someone pretty _ _._ “H-hey there Koemi ... I uh , didn’t keep you waiting for too long did I ?“ 

“Not at all , I’ve only been here for a few minutes “ she giggled . Yoriko couldn’t help but note she had a really cute laugh. 

_A few minutes? Ahhhh that’s , way more than the acceptable amount of minutes to see that!_ Her face turned scarlet.

“ Y-yeah uhm ... I thought I was alone , sorry, I don’t usually dance around that much in public “ she quickly tried to make light of the subject so she wouldn’t seem like a weirdo 

“You really should ~” she teased “ I’d drop money for tickets . “ Koemi winked 

Yoriko grew more and more flustered . She started fiddling with her fingers and looking all aroundthe room , not really certain on how to respond to that. 

Koemi caught onto that pretty quickly , she didn’t mean to make fun of her . Honestly she thought it was adorable to see her in her element like that . 

“Maybe next time I could join you?” She pulled her umbrella out of her bag and air strummed it “ I play a pretty mean air violin “ she encouraged confidently.

That one actually got a laugh out of Yoriko . “Yeah , well I’ll keep you posted if there’s any openings , be sure to check the fliers over here ,” she gestured to the open wall,“ and call the number below for details”seeing koemi amused seemed to be enough to fix yorikos self confidence. 

“How about I make it easier and you just call this one ?~” Koemi brushed her hair to the side and wrote her number in pen with a little smiley face next to it and slipped it to her over the counter 

_ Oh wow is this ... is what’s happening what I think is happening ? She didn’t know what to make of this she’d never been hit on by anyone before . Especially not by a girl .  _ _Ok I need to make sure I know what she’s thinking . Say something clever to see what she wants from me_. “ thanks! Nice number , always been a big fan of five’s”

_Why has the universe forsaken me?_

Koemi reached over to grab the bags of seeds she had paid for online and without offering any further explanation she just passed her a wave “Call me tonight okay ? We’ll figure something out alright?I’ll see ya around flower girl!” 

Yoriko’s day took a complete 180 , she was so disheveled and agitated this morning but now ? She felt excited , maybe eager. Yoriko had the soon to be therapy session in the back of her mind all day and it stressed her out so much . But talking to Koemi took away that fear . And even tho she was gone she was left with this lingering sense of _..._ _ what ? Self confidence? Oh I just don’t know anymore . _

She glanced at the clock and found once again that the hands definitely absolutely were way too far past what they should be . 

Running out of the small shop to make the appointment in time she bumped into her two co workers at the door. “Sorry! Gotta dash girls!” She said in response to their shocked expressions.

Largely out of character , Yoriko arrived 5 minutes early to her meeting . Her lateness was one of the few negative things about her friendship with touka ... that girl was always so late Yoriko could never bother to be there on time either. 

The first steps were always the hardest she knew that ... but then why did steps 10-15 feel so hard . She knew it wasn’t true but at this moment the door to the office was the most dangerous thing she’d ever seen . Knocking on the hardwood felt like poking a bear. It was a hesitant knock and a quick step back out of fear of being bit . 

But the therapist paid close attention. She was used to patients that felt hesitant to go through with their journey . Hearing the knock she was quick to open it “Well hello there!” She spoke in a quiet yet happy voice as to not startle or worry Yoriko. 

Her hair was blonde and freckles found themselves splattered on her cheeks .“Always a pleasure to meet a new face ... miss Yoriko is it ?” She clarified . Taking her nod as a definiteanswer.

Mrs .... Hitomi?” She asked to make sure her pronunciation was correct while looking over at the name plate .” Or is it doctor ? Sorry I’m new to all this “ 

“Oh don’t worry dear , just Hitomi is fine by me . Would you like to come in ?” The polite woman opened the door and gave a welcoming gesture into her office . 

More cautious steps onward and finally she realized the room was actually cozy . There was a fluffy graycouch that sat aside from an arm chair . In between the two was a well crafted coffee table with a light colored wood , magazines and coloring books sitting on top of it to occupy guests . 

Yoriko scanned the room with her eyes and felt pleased with what she saw . She started to sit down in the middle of the couch but even then she couldn’t help but want to leave . 

“It’s not too late to turn around you know .” Hitomi spoke seemingly reading her mind . “ I’ve had a lot of patients that question that when they first come in ... do you wanna hear what I tell them ?” 

Yoriko gave a mildly anxious nod . Not really certain what could be said to put her in a better mindset. 

“ Yoriko ... you’re here because at some point along your journey , you thought that you could use some help . And all I’m asking is that you believe in yourself , because I believe in yourself . And all I want to do is talk with you .” 

There was a warmth to her words and a genuineness like that of a grandmother complimenting her grandchild . 

_That’s ... hard to argue with ._ “ Ok ... well if I’m trusting myself then I might as well stay “ while ease slipped over her she still wasn’t certain exactly what to do “ so , how do we start these?” She asked with a puzzled tone .

“Well that’s easy , you and I are just gonna have a little coversatuon. I can ask you questions and you can ask them back. “ she took out her note pad and checked the pen to see if it worked. Scribbling loudly until the ink started flowing properly . 

“Let’sstart simple , how are you feeling today Yoriko ? Anything interesting happen ?”

The girl crossed her legs adapting to her surroundings. As far as simple questions went this was definitely the starting point . “Well, over all it’s been good ... this customer at my work walked in on me dancing and singing to myself so that was certainly embarrassing “ she said with a faint blush to her cheeks .  Even if this is all confidential it’s still awkward to be telling a grown woman silly things like this . 

“And how’d the customer take it, did he get mad?” She laughed a little to herself “ or was it embarrassing because he found it cute .” 

Eyes darting towards her ankles provided an answer that didn’t need words. “Uhm ,  she was a girl and well , I honestly think she did . She gave me her number and I don’t know if I’m just looking into it too much but I’m pretty sure she wanted to go out with me ?” 

The note taking made Yoriko just a little paranoid .  Just what exactly is she writing down ? uhg . 

“ And how does that prospect make you feel ?” She looked her over. Yoriko was new to her , really all she knew was her name , so these vague statements weren’t giving her much to work with .” Is she someone you’d want to date ? What’s holding you back ?”

_How do I feel ? Uhm ... I mean isn’t that obvious ... well I suppose not she doesn’t know me after all_ . “ well it caught me off guard sure but I’m just not sure how to let her down. No ones ever had an interest in me that way before so I guess it’s just a little out of sorts for me “.  _ But if it’s so obvious to me why can’t I help but feel a little wrong when I deny it ? Maybe I’m a little curious but that doesn’t mean anything unless I let it . And besides , I don’t need that, I already know what I like and it’s definitely definitely not girls .  _ The image of koemi’s smiling face took over for a second .  _ Definitely not _

“ Are you sure ? You seem a bit hesitant to devote yourself to that answer. Not to argue with you of course but you know there’s never anything wrong with some self evaluation .” She punctuated with a click of her pen . 

That actually made her a little upset “What reason would I have to lie about that? “ she all but groaned .Frustration building up knowing she’d have to keep repeating herself..“Yes I’m sure , I don’t like girls that way . She just seems ... nice “  _ And playful and pretty ... in a platonic way of course . Girls can compliment other girls that’s not a big deal . Touka used to compliment me all the time, and that didn’t mean anything ... wait did it ? _

“ My apologies “ Hitomi talked more with her hands . She looked worried that she may have offended Yoriko and decided to change topics. “How about we move onto the main course before we run out of time huh? What brings you here today really . You can be open with me and I promise I won’t interrupt “ she assured . 

This was the part she dreaded . Taking a moment to recalibrateYoriko centered herself. “ I’m here because , I had a friend named touka . I don’t know why she left me but she did . And all I can feel is responsible somehow . And my life isn’t the same without her “ The first step to moving on was admitting the problem, but acknowledging that made yorikos heart feel like lead , sinking ever deeper . 

“Well people moving away is an especially hard problem ... was it her parents making her go or of her own accord ?” 

“Neither ... touka didn’t have any family and she had nowhere else to go .... but she just , left me ..” she knew it wasn’t so personal but it felt so strange to not say she left her alone , she had to know how it would hurt her . 

“She stopped texting me one day , and then stopped accepting my calls ... and after that she just didn’t show up to our trip we had planned for a while”. 

“Ironically enough that trip was supposed to be to make sure we wouldn’t lose touch after college. She was gonna meet me at the zoo and I just waited there for hours and hours” 

Talking about it just sent her right back into the moment it went down . She knew in her heart if touka cared about her she couldn’t do this . _ Just a few minutes longer. _ She repeated the thought like it was her mantra. But eventually the minutes turned to hours and before she knew it a security guard was escorting her out out the zoo ... and even then she sat on the bench outside the gate for another hour just praying she was okay . 

There was only a few other places she could think to check , she knew where touka lived and where she worked . But those were the only two places she could think to check.

Expectationswere set high with this being her last resort . If touka wasn’t here she could be anywhere ... which meant she was no where. Yoriko wanted to run through that door and just hug her , or scream at her she didn’t know which . But the choice was never given , she walked up to what was barely rubble . 

The whole coffee shop was unrecognizable we’re it not for the shattered sign that read “ Anteiku”. Some bodies and blood coated the roadwhich only stood to horrify Yoriko , worried her friend could be one of them. A smoldered stuffed rabbit laid in the center where touka used to stay. Swooping it Into her arms she started to cry.

She quickly made her way back to Touka’s appartment and found it empty ... there wasn’t a trace that anyone had ever lived there ... that broke her 

Another hour was spent just bawling on floor of the appartment. Her knees got scratched up from the splintering wood but even after that she just lied there wanting to wake up . 

She tired herself out, and had no choice but to walk home.  _Staying alone in an empty broken apartment isn’t safe with ghouls walking around_.  Alone with a burnt rabbit souvenir and her own thoughts she started the trek home.

Touka had been so many of her firsts, but she couldn’t remember any of their lasts . 

_ The last time we said goodbye ... I-I can’t even recall where it was . _

** The street never ended. **

_ When was the last time I told her how important she was to me ? _

** It stretched on for what felt like miles .  **

_ And the last time I hugged her ? _

** Just walking walking walking . Walking till her feet hurt but not getting any closer to home .  **

_ I can’t even begin to recall the last time I made her smile. _

** How could she make it home without her . Touka was her home and she could never open the door to that again . **

_ I needed more time , I needed ... I don’t even know , I just need her.  _

** No light no people no anything to distract her from just how unforgiving this moment of loneliness was. **

_ Touka’s gone now .  _

My best friend is gone.

_ I’m so sorry ... _

In the days following Yoriko spent a majority of her time researching what happened . And although there wasn’t anything concrete she knew there was a battle between the military and several ghouls that happened near the shop. The fire broke out when the military launched the first explosives at the ghouls , and things just seemed to spiral from there . Suddenly she felt incredibly nauseous. 

Stumbling to the bathroom with ragged breaths . Her hands slammed down on her dining room table so hard they felt bruised and she barely caught her balance.

“ Touka couldn’t have run away from that .” Yoriko worried out loud , her thoughts far too crowded to keep it in. “ and she had to have been there so .... so that means she ..” 

She wouldn’t have dared to speak it into existence back then . But in her heart deep down she knew it was true 

“And I’ll never see touka again ...” Yoriko concluded . Endingher tale of tragedy and more or less wrapping up her first session.

“Wow ... “ she took a moment to let her gather her emotions “well it seems to me that you’ve been forced through a largely traumatic experience with someone you thought would be there for you . You blame yourself despite not knowing the reasons for her departure. And one of your biggest problems with that is a lack of closure . Sure our conversations will help you but to get real closure you need to talk with Touka.”

“If I could do that I wouldn’t be here in the first place.”,she stressed losing her patience.

I understand that , but talking to the real Touka isn’t what I was referring to.”. Yoriko’s raised eyebrows and squinting eyes forced out an explanation. 

“What I mean to say is that I recommend you take a journal like this here, and address the entry’s toward Touka. Sort of like writing a letter but not one you’ll be sending. You get to talk to her in a setting most beneficial to you, one where you can vent and express your thoughts and she can’t interrupt. And by chance if you do see her again it’ll be easier for you to know what to say to her.” 

The purple notebook felt strange in her hands on the way home . Starting a project like that felt too weird. It was too uncomfortable to address Touka like she was some figment of her mind.

Yoriko’s phone buzzed with a text from an unknown number. A confused glance down at it and she was greeted by a pleasant message . 

“Hey Yoriko :), it’s me Koemi, remember that super cool girl with a good sense of fashion and a fun personality ?” 

A giggle escaped her lips. _She is pretty cool_ _I have to give her that._ But she felt more than happy to have Koemi as a distraction. 

“You definitely seem familiar.” She teased. “I thought you said I should call you? Couldn’t keep yourself away from me huh?;)” she joked back . It felt a little out of character but somehow she figured Koemi wouldn’t mind. 

“Alright you caught me ... you just seem like a fun pretty gal to hang out with and I got your number from Aiko. Hope you don’t mind.”

_A fun pretty girl she can’t keep off her mind ... she really is a flirt. But I’m notsure I mind very much._

Before she could respond she got another text from Koemi. “So how’s your day been going today? You seemed in high spirits earlier.” 

Her day had in actuality been pretty depressing... but what could be the harm in pretending?

“ my day was lovely actually. It was a really good chill day.”

“Tell me all about it :)” 

They talked for quite a while . It was so refreshing to have a genuine chat about the little things again . She almost didn’t want to put the phone down but part of her knew what she should be doing at the moment .

She told Koemi she had something to take care of and that she would be back later . And made her way to her desk to get started . 

_ Dear, Touka , _

_ It’s been a while . _

She had to take the next few minutes to frame what she wanted to say 

_ This whole situation is so awkward . I hadn’t realized how much I needed you until you were gone . I know you probably didn’t mean to leave but the bottom line is you hurt me. And you hurt me in a way i still haven’t recovered from.  _

_Somewhere out there I’d like to think that you’re working through what life without me is like._ She paused . _I guess that sounds a little conceited ...Trust me I don’t want you to hurt like me , I guess I just want proof that I mattered..._

She looked down at another text from Koemi ,which wished her luck,and smiled again. 

_But let’s talk positives! I’ve actually made some new friends lately. It was hard but Daitan and Aiko are great people I met at work. Oh! Yeah I hadn’t said, I moved, and I got a job now , I work at a flower shop , it’s really nice there. I met one of the regulars who’s really sweet, her name’s Koemi. She’s a_ _little on the flirty side but she’s so kind to me . Honestly it feels like she’s a mind reader, she texts me or shows up to talk to me whenever I’m feeling down , like she knows the perfect time to come cheer me up ._

_You’d really like her . She’s a lot like you but , well maybe she’s a little less grumpy and quiet. But you’d really get along. I’ll probably call her after this and see the town . She invited me for a night out a couple times now and I think I shouldgive it a shot . It sounds like it’d be fun._

_But uh ... yeah ... I’m not really sure how to end these yet. They seem so pointless. I mean are you even alive? It’s so scary to think you might read these someday but I’m even more horrified that you won’t ever get the chance._

Her eyes had been watering already just thinking about talking to her . She tried to blink them away but it didn’t work. A tear dripped onto the page and she quickly dabbed it dry with a napkin before continuing .

_I miss you more every day Touka. But I’m really hoping some day , in some way , I won’t have to anymore. I’m gonna go now okay ? I really need to take my mind away from you for a while and I’ll take whatever break I can get . Hopefully I’ll see you soon . Goodbye for now touka.”_

And with that she clamped the book closed and took out her phone again . Dialing the number she was just happy someone picked up. 

“Hey Koemi ... so ... are you still up for that night out with me ?”


	2. Thank you for you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yoriko finds that she’s not exactly the person she thought she was . And certain people aren’t who she thought they were either.

_Honestly I don’t see why I should care so much._ Yoriko questioned while eyeing over her reflection, different outfits on hangers dangled in each of her hands . 

_We’re just hanging out ... plus she’s already seen me in a stuffy uniform anything else I could wear is a vast improvement ._

_I guess I’m just nervous about making a bad first impression . Well, first out of work impression I suppose._

She settledon an orange button up with a white frilled skirt and pink shoes. 

_There we go . Gotta put off those proper soft girl vibes ... ooh wait._ She stopped to put a white lily behind her ear.  _Perfect ! _

She made sure to grab her phone and her wallet. Her phone buzzed, informing her Koemi was almost here. 

She locked the door and started her walk down stairs . Almost skipping to the parking lot when she saw Koemi’s car pull up. 

“What’s up flower girl ?” Koemi waved opening the door for her . She looked so laid back and relaxed.

_What’s her life like? She seems so casual all the time ... lucky her I guess ._

“Oh not much, the sky ... some clouds “ she stated matter of factly. Yoriko didn’t much care to explain her problems for the second time today so she instead brought herself toward the much more healthy concept of bottling up all your feelings and pretending nothing bad ever happened. 

“ Just excited for an awesome girls night!” Yoriko chirped. But Koemi seemed to be a little confused by her wording .

“ ....yeah sure , I guess you could call it that “ she surmized more than a little hesitantly. 

_Do they not call it a girls night around here ? Weird, guess I got some new terms to learn._

As they drove around Yoriko took note that Koemi’s car seemed to match her personality perfectly . There were small flower pots in the cup holders . More than likely plastic because real ones wouldn’t last long in this heat . Some sacks of soil, along with some gloves shovels and seeds in the trunk showed she was ready to work at any time . 

A whole sticker book of window decals were placed in her back windshield . ‘Save the planet’, ‘trans rights are human rights’, ‘love is love’, ‘respect each other’, ‘stop global warming’ . And a larger flag she was pretty sure was for lesbians .  _Quite the activist , that’s easy to appreciate._

Some books sat in the back row , she seemed to be pretty familiar with a few of the titles . Takatsuki Sens works in particular . But probably only because that kaneki boy wouldn’t ever stop talking about them whenever he tagged along with Touka. 

“Wow you’re big on reading huh ? I’ve heard that takatsuki girl is pretty good. What does she write about ?”

“Horror mostly , her most recent book is about the secret life of a ghoul.” 

The word made her shudder . “Ghouls ... doesn’t reading about them make you nervous?” She questioned testing the waters a little. 

“Well yeah but that’s kind of the point of horror books. But this ones been a bit surprising, it almost makes you feel bad for them.” 

_Well that’s not possible_. ”I’ll have to check it out at some point “ _I definitely won’t ._ She couldn’t blame Koemi for not having a negative association with the ghouls .  But how could their life be hard ..: they’re the ones who cause these problems in the world .

“Maybe I’ll lend you my copy when I finish it ... I might have to buy you a night light to go along with it though.” She snickered 

“Hey what’s that supposed to mean?”she gasped in mock surprise.” I guess they just don’t appeal to me all that much. I’m not the kind of girl who fights the monsters , I’m the girl who runs away while that idiot gets eaten.” 

That actually made the both of them laugh . Before long they arrived somewhere she didn’t recognize. “Sooo where exactly are we going ? You said you had a lot to show me.”She looked out the windows and they seemed to be in some big shopping center. 

“I’ve seen your handiwork , so I thought you might wanna see a taste of mine.” Koemi revealed. Fixing her glasses after she hopped out of the car. 

_Aw she opened the door for me , how polite._

Yoriko was blown away by the all the colors especially . A large plane of flowers spelled out the name of the mall . In white . With some beautiful swirls of red and blue on the side. 

“Oh my god ! You did this on your own ?! It looks so pretty!”she exclaimed, marveling at all the intricate details. 

Koemi had a confident smile . She was clearly proud of her hard work .As she should be of course.  _No wonder she’s been asked to work on these so often she’s incredible._ Her eyes drifted over to Koemi standing in front of all the colors . Her hair swayed in the breeze like a scene out of a movie . _Really stunning ..._

They took the next half hour just driving around and looking at all the installations she’s made . She felt more impressed with her new friend with every new piece she saw.

But their next stop Yoriko couldn’t quite place where the installation was.

“Did you set something up on the inside here ?” She inquired a little lost. 

“Oh no no you already saw all that, I just figured I might as well take you somewhere to eat . It’d be kinda weird if we didn’t honestly. But it’s really nice here! I’m sure you’d love it.” She grinned “ come on let’s go in!” 

She reached out and grabbed her hand before rushing her inside.  _Wow her hands are ... soft. _ And despite being shocked by the gesture Yoriko didn’t have any willingness to let go . Afterthey entered the building and she did let go Yoriko moved her hand , nearly reaching out to hold it again , only catching herself at the last moment.

“Jeez Koemi ... this place is like , incredibly fancy. You sure I’m the gal you wanna drop this kind of cash on ?” She questioned. A little guilt spread through her while she spoke . 

“Oh of course I am . A special place for a special night with a special lady.” Koemi winked . The way she spoke made butterflies flutter in her stomach.  _Damn I must be really hungry __._ Yoriko assumed happy to accept the compliment. ”  Heh, sorry, i guess I’m just not used to being called a special lady.” she confessed awkwardly. 

“Then you better get used to it quick, special lady “Koemi teased while playfully punching her arm “ I call em like I see em ya know”. It was all Yoriko could do not to have the biggest smile on her face.

A waitress met up with them and looked pleased . “Well hello there!” She said with a grin “is this your first time here?” She wondered, following the usual scripted questions . They found a table near the back . It was candle lit and the music around them was so calm and intimate . This whole place just exuded romantic energy. Yoriko couldn’t help but feel entranced . 

“Well I hope you two have a lovely evening tonight , I’ll be right back with you in a moment to take your orders.”

_She seemed awfully cheerful ._

Koemi looked like she had something she really wanted to ask. And once the waitress left she wasted no time in starting the conversation. 

“Okay I gotta admit , you’re a super interesting person Yoriko ... honestly you’ve got this whole girl next door vibe , mixed with that quirky new girl in town trope going on. I feel like there’s so much to learn about you.” She implored , leaninga little too close for comfort. Making Yoriko turn a bit red. 

“Oh m-me ? Well , I dunno Koemi. I’m really not anything special . “ she rubbed the back of her neck and scooted back in her chair “but uh , I guess I’m open to answer anything. What do you feel like you need to know about me ?” 

“Anything really , I just wanna hear you talk about yourself.” She watched intently with with her chin rested on the palms of her hands , elbows on the table. “What are you really passionate about Yoriko?” 

She twiddled her fingers trying to think how to start .  _Passionate ? What am I passionate about? Puppies? No that’s not it ... maybe something more important ... babies ? Baby’s are cute ... but no that’s not it either __._ “Ok I’ll tell but promise you won’t laugh okay?” 

“... I’ve kind of always wanted to have my own bakery. I mean I absolutely love cooking. It’s really fun and I’ve spent years trying to perfect a lot of my techniques . I think I’d be really good at it but I’m a little scared to take the such big steps . The business world is rough and if I pick the wrong place or start out too early I might just end up screwing it all up.” A sigh slipped past her and her eyes locked down onto the table. 

“Hey ...” Koemi soothed reaching over and placing her hand on Yoriko’s arm .  _She really likes touching me..._ She got goosebumps from how lightly her fingertips were felt on her warm skin. “You’re not gonna fuck it up , you know how I can tell ?” 

She was taken aback by how certain she sounded with that statement. Unable to respond in anyway aside from a shrug. 

Koemi answered her own question. “ It’s cusI can see the determination in your eyes . I don’t know you all that well but I can tell already you’re not one to give up very easily . If you screw up you’ll just fix it later and get right back on the horse again.” 

Compliments on her character really stuck with her.  _Why’s this girl so ... nice to me __?_ “Aw Koemi that’s ... “ she stood up and walked over to her “ sorry that’s just too sweet to go without a hug.”

It seemed a little silly of a response but she just didn’t know how else to act . People didn’t compliment her so genuinely, it was hard to wrap her head around a verbal answer. She tentatively moved her arms toward her , largely expecting her to act like Touka would and roll her eyes or ask for more personal space. But seeing her move close Koemi already opened her arms wide. 

Yoriko wrapped her arms around her back ,head resting on her shoulder.

Koemi held her in such a different way than she was used to .She was really good at it too. Her hands cradled her back in the perfect position. And her heart felt so warm ... she couldn’t tell if it was from her body heat or just the feelings that spread through her but either way , she loved it.

_Is this supposed to feel so right? Am I holding on for too long ... I don’t wanna make this weird but I really don’t want to let go ._

“Uhm.. sorry to interrupt ma’am “

The server butted in.Yoriko jumped and got back in her seat . A furious blush over her face while she looked straight down at the table. 

Quite the opposite for Koemi , she barely even flinched. ” Oh not a problem, I’m sure she’ll have plenty of time to hug me later if she wants.” She spoke in a cool tone 

_Oh my god can you just have some sort of flaw . Stop being so smooth for just a second and be some sort of anxious mess like me . You’re just like touka. Never bothered by what the world thinks ... but you at least talk about what you feel ... toukas mind was always such a maze to navigate through . You’re an open book Koemi._

After a moments recovery she realized the waitress was asking for their orders. She had to scramble over the menu because she’d honestly forgotten what they were there for for a moment . 

Koemi could tell she was stressed so she made a point to ask far more questions than she needed too so she could buy Yoriko time to work out what she wanted to say . 

Koemi had ordered a steak while Yoriko went for the Cajun shrimp that made her mouth water when she saw the table next to them get it . 

The waitress wrote everything down and felt the need to add a peculiar statement at the end . “You two are really cute together by the way . It’s one of the highlights of working at such a romantic destination , you get to see all the loving partners. How long have you be-“ she was cut off by the sound of broken cups and had to quickly leave to help clean up the mess . 

_Wait wait wait we’re not together ... I’m not ... we’re not ... say something damn it it’s gonna be so awkward if you don’t ... and shit now she’s gone . _ Yoriko thought for sure Koemi would be appalled at the concept but she looked really unphased, almosthappy?

_Just what does it take to rattle this girl ?_

They had some much less deep but still enjoyable conversation until their food came . The aroma that wafted in was just tantalizing . 

Yoriko took a long sniff and then sighed. “Wow that looks incredible!” She exaggerated before going in to take a bite. 

The seasoning was just cooked in so well and it had that perfect crunch on be outside so the flavor just pops in your mouth. And it was so juicy too. 

The thought didn’t even cross her mind what she was about to do . But the muscle memory kicked in from all the times she had done this with Touka. Without a word and with a smile on her face she held her fork up ready to feed someone she had just met. 

_Oh my god... my body’s natural instinct is to embarrass myself . It’s a required biological function that I can’t avoid being a disaster._

Koemi hardly registered her distress and just bit the shrimp off her fork.”ah! That’s got a bit of a kick to it.” She said taking a swig of her water .  _Wow this girl really can’t handle some spice can she? I’ll have to keep that in mind ._

She seemed to really like the gesture because moments later she was copying it. A cube of steak came close to pressing against Yoriko’s lips . Somehow this was even more embarrassing . 

With pink cheeks she finally gave in. She leaned in and opened her mouth. Wrapping her lips around the fork and struggling to ignore her eyes on her . 

She leaned back as quickly as she could and closed her eyes for a second “wow ...  wow ! What did they marinate this in it tastes insane . I definitely note some soy sauce ... and a splash of lemon juice for sure .” She licked her lips and looked up lost in thought. “Oh! And a hint of garlic powder... that’s a really good combo , I need to remember that.” 

Koemi clapped slowly “Damn you know your stuff . That’s actually pretty impressive .” She giggled “ And your’e worried you can’t handle a little bakery ? You’d kill it for sure “ she guaranteed her . 

They finished the meal and Koemi was happy to pay , despite yoriko willing to help . 

They had a nice talk about how things were going in their lives until far too soon they arrived back at Yoriko’s apartment. 

“I had a great time with you tonight.” Koemi sighed out almost longingly . So much different than her tone had been the rest of the night 

“I did too!” Yoriko agreed “ you’re super fun to be around”  and you make me feel way too good about myself. 

Koemi perked up hearing that she felt the same way .”oh that’s wonderful to hear! ... so ... I hope it’s not too much of a stretch but , you’d be down for a second date sometime right ?” She seemed to care about what someone had to say for the first time since she had met her 

_Uhm ... WHAT ?_ “S-second date ?” The newly flustered girl quoted her beyond lost. “How could we have a second one when we haven’t ... uhm “  _holy shit was that a date ... no I would know if I was on a date wouldn’t I ... would I ?_

“I’m so sorry I didn’t know you thought we were on a date Koemi , I had no idea.” 

“Oh .... my god “Koemi looked flabbergasted. “ I ... Yoriko how did you not know this was a date ?” Irritation showed on her face when she narrowed her eyes . “ I thought I was being like ... extremely obvious. What else would this have been ?” 

“ I dunno I just thought it was a fun night out with a nice dinner , with someone I wanted to get to know better “ 

She took a breath “ that’s ... that’s what a date is !”

“ h-how was I supposed to know ? “

“ cus ... I told you you were cute , and then flirted with you a lotttt, then I asked you out for dinner . Multiple times ... gave you my phone number ... got your phone number from someone else who said she talked me up to you and said you asked a lot about me having a girlfriend. And then we go out to a candle lit dinner , you hug me , we fed each other ...” she rambled. “ ... are you really that uninterested in me that even with all that I don’t cross your mind at all ?” she pouted . She seemed really disappointed.

Her expression rubbed at Yoriko’s heart . She felt horrible, and given the context it should have been obvious what was going on .

“I’m sorry Koemi ... I didn’t want to hurt you I just , don’t like girls. You’re not exactly my type.” 

Koemi wasn’t buying it .” Yes I am “ she grinned mischeviously“ I absolutely am. And I can tell your’e into me , you wear your emotions on her sleeve.” She leaned in closer and winked . Making Yoriko step back and blush “ th-thats not true ... I’m not ... you don’t know what you’re talking about” 

Yoriko ... sweetie “ she put her hand on her shoulder “ I’ve been where you’re at now ... and you’re clearly in need of some self discovery ... I’m not gonna push you into anything obviously . But I really like you. I think you’re really special you’re really sweet and I just love being around you. So Yoriko ... if you ever change your mind you know who’s number to call “ there was hope in her voice but was clouded by her disappointment . 

This was clearly not how she expected the night to end . And not how Yoriko expected it to either. _I can’t believe she just ... flat out told me how she feels ...and told me how I feel too I suppose . How am I supposed to even respond to that ?_ She couldn’t find an answer and just waved to her when she got back in her car to leave. 

There was a heaviness on Yoriko’s shoulders. She’d never worried about her sexuality before but she’d never been questioned so directly about it either. _I had such a nice time with her ..._

_God damn it Koemi, why couldn’t you just be a friend ... why’d you have to make this so confusing!_

All she wanted was to make this slip away . It was such an uncomfortable feeling to doubt herself like this . _I need some rest, I’ll have a fresh look in the morning . __Maybe some sleep could help ._ And maybe it would’ve if she actually could’ve ... but she couldn’t just put this away .

 _Why did she sound so confident that I wasn’t straight ?_ She pondered while staring at her blank ceiling.

She sat down at her desk and figured she should write about it to sort things out. Fumbling through a few pens and settling on a pink one for tonight. 

_Dear Touka ,_

_So you’re gonna think I’m stupid but I just went in my first date , without even knowing... That Koemi girl I was talking about told me she liked me. I guess I’ve always been a bit oblivious . But she said something that’s been messing with me ..._

_She thinks I like her too ... and I don’t know how I feel about that._

Tearing herself away from her writing she just rolled around in her desk chair chewing on her pen . 

_She’s so nice to me . And I feel really happy around her ... but I just don’t know it seems so weird to think about. We’d hold hands , and go on dates together ... she’d kiss me ._

That last thought lingered for a moment . 

_Ooookay that’s enough of that! I should probably take other experiences into account __._ She pulled out her computer and tried to think of what to ask . Eventually deciding on 

How to know if you’re a lesbian?

Several articles came up and she clicked on the first one she saw . On the website was a fairly well organized power point . 

“ I think I’m a lesbian “. It sort of resonated with her getting a chance to read it out loud . 

So you think you’re a lesbian? It started with a question .  The most important thing to know is these labels are only for your own comfort . They can change at any time and you don’t need to stick to any one specific sexuality. _I didn’t know that , that’s really interesting ._

Now I’m a lesbian and I’ve been out since I was 15 , but I always knew I was different . When it comes to girls there’s sometimes a fine line between what’s friendly and what’s romantic . Plenty of girls are quite open with their feelings and very close with their friends . Even saying I love you is more common between women friends than with men . So it’s obviouslya little hard to determine the differences . 

The next slide continued .  Here’s a few signs worth considering to help you figure out if you’re a wlw. 

Do you often spend your time more with women than men ? 

_Oh that doesn’t mean anything that’s perfectly straight behavior._

Do you find yourself deeply attached to women? 

_Perfectly straight behavior..._

Have you ever had any sort of crush on a man?

_Well no ... but that’s just because I haven’t found the right guy_ . 

Have you ever had thoughts about being with a woman romantically. 

“Koemi ..” she sighed out loud . Shocked by how effortlessly that slipped out.

_Perfectly ... well I guess fhst might not be perfectly straight._

 _And when Koemi hugged me ... and held my hand ... I got those shivers and jitters up my arm and it felt so ... I want her to hold me like that now_ _.._ she blushed admitting this all to herself 

Explaining it away was so easy to do at the time but seeing the full picture really put things into perspective. 

She’d only ever hung around girls , never had a boy to bring to those silly school dances . Always felt a little happier bringing valentines to the girls in the class . 

With a desire to really be certain, the questioning girl read through multiple articles that all had similar signs . She fit into almost every category. 

Oh ...  _oh!_

_Wow ... In retrospect it all seems so obvious . No wonder Koemi caught onto those vibes ._

She felt a new sense of ease . As if she had vision problems her whole life and never knew there was a problem . But one day she put on glasses and just saw wow .. the world could have been this much clearer the whole time . 

It’s an odd feeling coming to terms with yourself . It’s like realizing there’s been this big secret your whole life that you didn’t even know about ... and now that you know you just don’t know what to do with it . 

One of the benefits of having very few friends came in the form of having very few people to have to relay this information to.  _Obviously I don’t wanna tell my parents unless I absolutely have to. I know they love me but I can’t have them looking at me different If they don’t approve . Imagining their cold stares ... or worse , that small flicker of dissappointment that their daughter isn’t who they thought she was , was just dreadfully disheartening. _

It was a little frustrating that she didn’t have anyone to talk about this realization with immediately though . Daitan and Aiko were probably asleep and it would be far too awkward to talk to Koemi right now.  I guess I have Touka ... sort of...

Pulling up a new entry she scribbled down . 

_Dear touka,_

_Holy shit so it turns out I’m gay. Or at the very least I’m pretty certain I’m attracted to women . Did you know that ? It seems like I’m the last person to figure it out ... which doesn’t make a lot of sense but Koemi called me out so I must be putting off some sort of vibes like that ._

There was a lump in her throat that she couldn’t quite push aside . 

_I wish you were really here. I mean I could really use a hug , or just some sort of validation . The only upside to this way of talking is I don’t have to look at you when I say it . God I can’t imagine how much courage id have to muster just to look you in the eye and tell you that . Even though I feel like I already know how you’d answer._

She could see the image so clearly in her mind . _Touka’s standing there trying to think of what to say. She’s not mad of course, she loves me , how could she be. But her words often elude her when she had to verbalize what she was feeling in her heart . She knows I’m a big crier and she’s probably taking every step she could to word it properly and not give me any misconceptions._

_Eventually she’d lean into the notion that actions speak louder than her hard to find words and she’d just hug me . Really hug me . Not those passing goodbyes you’d have with family members . It wasn’t polite it wasn’t brief it was a real solid strong show of support ._

_I’d be especially happy because Touka doesn’t hug me . She doesn’t like to touch people most of the time and with her family life she just wasn’t raised with that kind of affection . She’d tolerate when I hugged her . Flash a smile or something but it was easy to see it’s an empty gesture_ . But here in her hearts thoughts Touka was not only willing but desired to show her that she cared. _And she’d tell me as sternly as possible that I don’t need to be afraid to tell her these things , and that if anyone ever bothered me she’d kick their asses._

Yoriko shook herself out of her daydream and at the same time shook the ink to the bottom of her pen . 

_ I know you’d take good care of me if you were here . I’d take care of you the same way you know, through whatever it is that’s keeping you away. _

Stop thinking of things to make yourself sad moron . She cursed herself . I just need to work through one problem at a time. 

She decided to finish off her entry for the night and go to sleep . 

_I’m gonna talk to Koemi tomorrow , I’m sure I made her a little uncomfortable last night but if I give her that classic Yoriko charm I’m pretty sure I can make it up to her . I’m really happy to have you as an outlet Touka . I’m going to bed , I hope you have sweet dreams too ... wherever you are ._

The following morning came with a more optimistic outlook . Clarity and normalcy came back again and had something to actually do with it this time . She rehearsed on her way to work how she was gonna tell daitan and Aiko . Luckily for her she already had their friendship with Koemi to prove that they weren’t homophobic . So there wasn’t too much in the way of concern . 

Through the glass pane at the front of the shop she noticed that Daitan was frantically looking on the ground and under the desks . It was much easier to hear Aiko talking when she got closer to the door .

“Ok Daitan it’s not missing , we just don’t know where it is at this exact moment- “ 

“That’s the definition of missing Aiko!” Daitan yelled back still scouring the ground . 

“Hey gals !” Yoriko called with a wave shutting the door behind her. “What did she lose ?”She questioned cocking her head to the side end looking at Aiko 

“She lost her - oh ! There it is !” Daitan swiveled around with a glint in her eyes and Aiko lifted up the white ring that was no longer missing . 

Daitans smile spread as she slid it back on and admired it back on her finger where it belonged. “Oh my god you’re the fucking best Aiko! . The short girl reached up to her taller friends shoulders and pulled her down . Kissing her cheek eagerly with an accompanying “ Mwwwwah!” 

Yoriko was stunned but Aiko just smiled like it was an ordinary gesture for them. Probably because it was . 

“Since when are you two together ?!” Yoriko gasped “ You didn’t think to bring that up at our dinner ?” She said with an incredulous smile . 

Daitan looked lost ... blinked for a few seconds . And then took a deep breath . She tapped Aiko on the shoulder “ Your turn to explain I did it last time “ she sighed before walking over to decorate some of the flower pots with tiny signs and cute little frogs . 

“Daitan just shows her affection differently that’s all .” Aiko began to explain . Which didn’t fully track with Yoriko. 

“You guys don’t have to lie about it , you two seem great for each other honestly I won’t tell anyone If it bothers you . “ Yoriko spoke meekly , in an attempt at a comforting voice . 

Daitan seemed ready to speak for herself now and marched right up to her . “Yes we know we’re great for each other and we are together , just cus we’re not dating doesn’t lessen that at all . “ she started to explain , much more invested in this than Yoriko had any reason to believe . 

“Aiko is great she’s absolutely perfect , and If I had any desire to I’d totally date her . She’s the total package , but it’s also a package I’m not ordering.” 

Yoriko blushed somewhat . “ gosh ... sorry for the misunderstanding “ she apologized“ I’ve never met anyone who’s .. actually I’m not sure what the term for that is “ she admitted . 

“Aromantic “ she answered “Aro for short ..” she gestured to a little patch on the corner of her shirt with a pretty gradient of greens and blacks “We’re a tight knit little group of frog admirers who are more than happy with our friendships and have a wide range of complicated relationships with romance ... mine is that I don’t have it , pretty cut and dry .”She concluded with a little bow “Thank you for coming to my Ted talk “ 

“Besides if I was dating someone they’d have to be much taller than this short stack.” Aiko teased.

Yoriko was glad to get better insight into her friend, who seemedmore comfortable now that she understood her better .

“Well now , I suppose If we’rein the spirit of being open ....kind of a big announcement. I was doing some self reflection last night and I realized that ... I’m lesbian”. Saying the words out loud to someone else only confirmed the way she felt about it .

Daitan responded first, “And I work at a flower shop”. 

_What is she talking about._

Then Aiko jumped in, “The sky is blue.” 

“What are you talking about ?” Yoriko uttered agitated . 

“Oh I just thought we were taking turns saying incredibly obvious things. Did it really just occur to you last night ?” Daitan asked genuinely surprised 

“The earth is round .”

“That’sdebatable “ 

“It is not debatable Daitan!”

Deterred from their conversation the now grumpy girl began. “Okay , one , that’s so rude , and two“ she tapped her chin . She didn’t have two things ready to say so this was a mistake. “Well ... it’s just rude . This is serious” she pouted and crossed her arms. 

Aiko chimed in . “Yoriko we’re both very proud of you for coming to terms with your sexuality. Daitan and I had our fare share of figuring that out ourselves and it’s really difficult stuff.” She patted her on the shoulder. “But also... did you not know ? Oh my god you were practically melting when Koemi talked to you , please please tell me you figured it out before she asked you out !” Aiko said not so much upset as she was worried for them . 

“SHH SHH SH !!” Daitan jumped and put her fingers to her lips “You’re missing the big picture !”Upon seeing Aikos look of confusion she groaned and started chanting “Gay office ! Gay office ! Gay office “ 

Aiko rolled her eyes and relented “ gay office gay office “ she joined her briefly but with much less enthusiasm .

“ I’m pan “ she directed at Yoriko “So I’m here for all the he’s she’s and they’s and everyone in between “ 

Yoriko nodded and giggled . A sense of sameness and euphoria overlapping each other in her brain “Gay office !” She joined in for the last chant . 

“Okay but moving along now.” Aiko had to grab Daitan by the arms to stop her from chanting and waving them around . “You gotta tell me how the date went , it sounds like it was pretty eye opening.” 

Yoriko turned a bright shade of pink “I kinda uh ... didn’t know we were on date until it ended ...” she rubbed the back of her head and sighed. 

The both of them breathed in sharply through gritted teeth . Daitan felt the need to comment “I can’t believe that shit actually happens outside of fanfiction.”

“I know it’s bad ! Help me please ! I know I’m floundering here but she seems really nice and I’d really really like a second chance with her...”her shoulders hunched over as she said it . 

“Say no more madam” Daitan curtsied in spite of the fact that she was wearing shorts .

“ I can text Koemi and explain things for you , give you an easy set up for a second chance with her . I have it on good authority she’d be more than happy for a try number two anyway . Aiko spoke decisively as she pulled out her phone . 

“Daitan are you sure you’re the one to help me out here ? I mean I thought- “

“ Ah ah ah ! Don’t finish that thought it’s a dumb one . I don’t do romance but I do like seeing it ! Most of the time anyway. It differs a lot from person to person , I’m mostly romance favorable ... minus that hands in the hair thing .” She shuddered and raised her shoulders “ eughh it’s awful , that’s why I keep mine nice and short !” She gestured to her pixie cut hair. 

“Anyway yeah , I know you’re new to all of this but one “ she held up an accompanying finger “ I’ve totally got you covered on the perfect second date , and two !” Her fingers followed suit “ Just assume I’m always right about everything snd then I’ll never have to correct you.”

“ I wouldn’t say ev-“

“Everything Aiko!” 

Out of the corner of Yoriko’s eye she saw Koemi walking up to the store , panic crept up on her . The others seemed to notice her as well because sensing her concern they both ran towards the back. 

“Wait guys !” She whisper seethed until the click of the door opening made her turn around. 

After how she was last night she figured it would be better to let Koemi have the first say . She smiled nervously but she didn’t even remotely acknowledge her. Her eyes blinked away the confusion as she tilted her gaze .  _Nothing ? I guess I understand, I kind of screwed up her night but still . Thought she’d at least wave._

Guilt and disappointment swirled in her head until being abruptly silenced with a tap on the counter . Koemi stood with an assortment of flowers she put together on her own. Yoriko opened her mouth to speak but the words didn’t come out . Even with Touka she’d always had an issue talking to people when she thought they were mad at her. 

Silently she cashed out the flowers. Until suddenly Koemi handed them right back. “Something wrong ?” She eventually mumbled confused before getting interrupted by Koemi .

“Nope , they’re for you ... “. The girl she was worried about had a smile that creased at her cheeks .  _Maybe she wasn’t mad ?_

“  I’m gonna be 100 percent straight with you Yoriko “ she started “ well, technically 0 percent “ straight “ . 

The joke lightened Yoriko’s worried mood ,she laughed . 

“ I think you’re really nice , really cute , and If you’re willing I would love to go on a date with you. With romantic intentions, and possible sequel dates If the first one goes well?”. She said in an incredibly easy to follow way . Intentionallypoking fun at Yoriko’s lack of notice earlier . 

She still felt overwhelmingly worried . It was one thing to tell a few already accepting friends, but If they were really together what would that mean? _Assuming this really goes somewhere I’d have to tell my parents . People would judge me with a glance, probably like me less for it too . It’s scary , what if she doesn’t like me when she gets to know me more ?_

_Saying yes means admitting this is my life, it means admitting to others this is who I am. __It opens up a big new scary world but a world, but with such wonderful things as well_. She could be so happy but she’d be so scared , all she had to do was take that first step, no ,Koemi had already taken that step for her , all she had to do was meet her half way. She was terrified , she couldn’t go through with something so frightening , what if it only hurt her more.  Do the pros out way the cons ? _What if I’m just miserable again but in a completely new way ?_

“ I would be delighted to go out with you Koemi “ she spoke Without realizing.  _Why’d I say that?! I hadn’t decided I ... I guess I actually have decided._ A knowing smile rested on her cheeks . Leaning in she graciously accepted the bouquet of flowers . It was odd to be on the other side of this special exchange. 

She took a big sniff of their aroma and racked her brain trying to identify it . Almost papery , with a hint of vanilla or honey .  _It smells like a perfect library scent_ . She figured , the visuals matching that description in her mind. 

“But uhm ...it may seem a tad too forward but, I’d really like to make it up to you for last time .” She shrugged a little , Koemi looked at her with intrigue . So rarely had she had someone hang on her every word like that “I’d love to cook dinner for the both of us , If you’d be up for a home cooked meal? My apartment isn’t fancy but ya know , I could make it look nice and -“

Koemi put a finger to her lips to shush her “That would be perfect Yoriko . Text me your address and I’ll meet you there tonight okay ?” She flashed a smile that exuded compassion . And a warm shiver overcame her, almost like a reverse case of goosebumps . 

The second she turned to leave and stepped out of sight Yoriko jumped for joy . Half squealing half laughing, the sensation was foreign to her.

Daitan bursted into the room , Aiko following shortly behind “Holy shit girl what happened !” The more eager of the two yelled 

“We’ve got a date !” Yoriko yelled back . Usually more reserved to herself she decided she was allowed to be excited every once in a while.

“ She’s coming over to my place tonight I’m making dinner for her.” Now she felt doubly excited. At the chance for love and for the chance to cook again . She’d always had the option to cook , it was such a passion of hers. But without someone to cook for it almost felt like a waste. She wasn’t picky with what she ate herself, but when it came to her friend that ate an unhealthily small amount , she always found the resolve to make her something she’d actually be happy to eat. 

“Ok ok crash course in dating 101 I gotta get you ready to have the perfect first date.” Daitan said with confidence. 

“  I’m listening Daitan hit me with what you got.” 

“Great ! Ok so one , it’s all about the pining , the pining is essential.” She stressed “You probably like her a lot and she likes you a lot too but don’t jump to be too affectionate too quickly , you don’t wanna jump the gun on this.” She fired off a finger gun at the notion.” Everything needs to be well earned . Your first I love you’s your first kiss, they’re both gonna be really special to you two and you can savor the moment so much more if you’ve had the proper build up for it.” 

It wasn’t as if this information was entirely new to her . She highly doubted she could do something so intense without talking it over to herself many many times . But the idea of savoring the moments in between the big moments was really cute . 

“Thanks Daitan , I think that’ll really help.” She said satisfied with the advice. 

“Well they don’tcall me Cupid’s aro for nothing .... ehh ? Get it ?” She paused after loudly annunciations her pun , clearly proud of herself .”Aiko you get it right ?” She quickly assured 

“YeahI’m ... not associated with anyone who makes puns” 

“Yes you areee~” she whined following after the girl who was walking away. Tapping her at the shoulder quickly and repeatedly. “You will acknowledge me Aiko ... Aiko .. aiIikOoooO “ she trailed off as the two walked into the next room . 

Noting the time, Yoriko clocked out . After a quick trip to the grocery store she was more than happy to replace her work uniform with her favorite apron. It was soft,yellow , and had text on it that read “add a pinch of love “. Not to mention the pockets were life savers for her full hands. 

Nothing had a more exciting feeling to Yoriko than to set down new bags of groceries on the counter. A palpable readiness to prepare something delicious swirled around in the seemingly warmer kitchen . With a click she lit the stove to life with a beautiful blue sizzling flame . 

She’d planned on doing something nice but not too fancy , she didn’t wanna over do it . So takoyaki and some ramen seemed like a good in between . 

Pulling out her takoyaki pan only heightened her giddy . It was such a fun shape and she so rarely got a chance to use it for anything else. 

For someone normally so lazy she was quite adept at multitasking when it was something she was passionate about . Broth started to boil while the pan heated up . She sent a quick text to her date ,  _can’t believe I actually get to call her that_ ,  that just told her she’d be ready for her to come over in about an hour. 

She knew her place wasn’t much, but with a little sprucing up and the proper lighting it could really look special . She hung up some string lights she had in her closet . Dangling them from the ceiling with their warm but dim lights. Turning off the overbearing ceiling lights really helped set the right atmosphere. 

She heard the water starting to boil and quickly made her way back to the kitchen . She stirred up the batter and started to let the takoyaki cook along with the ramen she put in the boiling broth.

A sizzling and popping filled the room once she slapped the slabs of meat into the pan with the vegetable oil. She pressed into it with her spatula to make it scream more.  _Koemi can’t handle the heat but there’s no way I can go without making this have a little kick , that would be blasphemy._ She pondered while she sprinkled just a pinch of Cajun onto Koemi’s peice so it would have some decent pleasure . And dumping a shit ton onto her own . 

Thirty minutes later everything was all coming together . She loved getting to drizzle the sauces over the takoyaki in those fun zig zag patterns . And with a little bit of proper placement and a candle or two everything was looking amazing . 

Hearing a knock at her door made her jump “Ah , o-one second !” She called scrambling to throw off her apron and slip on her dress. She wrinkled out all the folds quickly while she made her way to the door .

Yoriko opened up her wallet and pulled out the only photo she had of her with Touka , it was blurry snd she barely got her in it . “Wish me luck Touka” she said to herself . She pulled open the door with a smile. 

“Well hey there beautiful~” Koemi waved trying to hold back a laugh when she saw her. “You’re ... clearly a hard worker “ she said reaching for a napkin to wipe a smudge of some sort of flour off of her face. 

“There we go ... here should I give you a second shot ? “ she asked taking a step back to close the door before knocking again .  _She’s really cute...can’t believe I’m the one on the other side of this._ Eager to try again she re opened the door , now clean. 

“Hey there beautiful.” Yoriko said right out the gate , doing her best to match Koemi’s tone before welcoming her in. 

“Oh wow !” Koemi gasped “It looks so nice in here , a verrry romantic venue “ she paused to look over at the dinner table. “Ooooh , damn Yoriko ,you really made this ? I wouldn’t be mad if you just ordered out to impress me ya know ?” 

The praise made the shy girl feel more confident than usual .”Sure did , trust me I wouldn’t order out , no need to downgrade.” Koemi seemed really happy hearing her say that. 

“Yeah! That’s my girl !” 

_I’m her girl now?_

“I just love seeing you confident . You’re way too special to just act like that girl on the side lines. This looks amazing smells amazing and you’re amazing .” She patted her on the back .” You kick ass girl , own up to it.” 

Yoriko was filled with self worth. And as the night went on she was only treated to more helpings of it . The dinner was just as delicious as the smell indicated . And the conversation was lively . Every time Yoriko spoke she just became aware she was being so heard and validated . 

Her clock had to be broken because hours felt like minutes when they were together. But every laugh she Koemi coaxed out of her made her lose track of herself anyway . 

“ So ... I suppose I should get going. I’d hate to fall asleep behind the wheel .” Koemi broke Yoriko out of her trance with her much unwanted goodbye . 

“ Right ... I suppose you should ..” Yoriko replied just as reluctant . Both women filling the air with the unspoken but shared words .

_Just stay ... I haven’t felt like this in a long time ._

But the real problem with unspoken words is that they’re unheard as well .

“Well then ,” Yoriko started while escorting her guest to the door “This was really nice. I’m really glad I gave us ... gave this a second shot ..” 

Koemi made Yoriko melt with the smile she shone . The batting of her eyelashes sped her heartbeat up like it was kicked into a higher gear 

“ I’m really glad you did too flower girl .” Koemi iterated as she stepped out the door . 

The door was falling shut in some wicked slow motion , Koemi getting more distant with each step pushed up a leftover fear someone elsestampedin Yoriko’s heart. 

“Wait !” 

Her words echoed back to her . Yoriko barely noticed how she jutted her hand out the door , or how her fingers lay gently on Koemi’s palm, begging for another moment with her around.” 

Koemi could have asked what was going on. But with this tang of emotion she knew it was something heavy . She stood in silent pity for the girl who seemed ever so briefly to lose that sparklein her eyes . And watched patiently as her protesting lips opened in plea. 

“Be honest with me ... I’ll see you again won’t I ?” 

To Koemi the answer felt so clear but this wasn’t some spur of the moment after thought for Yoriko. 

Koemis hand trailed down her trembling partners, using the guide to draw herself in and envelop her with certainty . 

“Yoriko , you couldn’t get rid of me If you tried . I don’t just toss around empty promises freely.” She rubbed the base of the brunettes neck . And ever so consolingly pressed her lips to yoriko’s forehead . 

It had the same effect as a carbonator would . Yoriko was much more bubbly than before. 

“Really soon Yoriko , I guarantee you it’ll be really soon . You did great tonight”.

And following that goodbye she felt much more calm . Happy to pass her a wave as she stepped out to the car. 

The moment Koemi’s car pulled out of view Yoriko felt a wave of emotions splash at her shoulders and rest at her ankles . Her smile , addressed to no one in particular was sent off as she skipped back to her room . Too much energy in the balls of her feet to settle on a simple walk . She bounced inside and shut the door wanting to squeal for joy . The breath less sigh of yearning swirled in a cloud around her 

_Dear Touka ,_

She once again greeted her present companion . 

_Tonight I had my first date,( well the first date where I actually knew it was a date ) and wow , i finally get the appeal. It was so great that someone was just happy to have me around her. And I haven’t gotten to cook for anyone like that since you were in my life ._

There was a moment of trepidation as she clicked her purple pen . Dwelling on the subject wasn’t a preferred idea. 

_I think it wentreally well . She started back . _

_I never expected it would be a girl ... maybe I did, I really don’t know at this point. She’s so so hard to describe . Koemi is just perfect , I feel confident next to her . And she reads me so well . This just isnt a kind of happy I’ve been able to remember feeling in so long ._

Excess joy was boiling over . Yoriko giggled and hugged herself while spinning around in her rolling chair. 

_Touka , for once in my life I think everything’s gonna work out ._

As the weeks went on, gushing to Touka about her lovely girlfriend became her nightly ritual . She was just so happy to have someone so special in her life again . 

Three weeks later she excitedly ran to her desk to write . _Dear Touka , today was a very very very good day !!!!!._ Exclamation marks were treated like sprinkles , everywhere just for the fun of it . She caught herself doodling small hearts on the side , too wrapped up in reminiscing the moment to put it into words yet . The taste of that chapstick lingered on her lips that parted into a longing sigh . 

_I’m just gonna go ahead and say it. She kissed me ! She really just ... ahh! Ya know ? I didn’t think she was going to it just all happened so fast . I had been way to nervous to go for it first . And I suppose not being in a relationship before makes it tricky to know when the right time is ._

_Anyway for context ... there was this couple around us that kept giving each other so many compliments and kissing each other . And I suppose I was a little lost and a little longing cus Koemi locked eyes with where I was looking , put her hand on my shoulders , and when my gaze met hers she just swooped in and locked lips with me ._

_I know you and your dumb boyfriend kaneki already know this but... it really is everything they say it is . So much passion ... just made my chest feel all warm and fuzzy . I just can’t wait for you to meet her , I know you’ll love her as much as I do._

She hardly realized that thought was in her mind.  _Shh , just don’t tell her I said that ._

The next entry , which came in barely 6 days later , was of a much more somber and disappointing tone . 

_Hey Touka ..._

She began , far too distraught for the formalities . 

_Today was miserable ... really just utterly miserable ._

A breath was taken in to steady herself but Yoriko was nevertheless uneasy. 

_I know I’m a somewhat clumsy girl , and somewhat forgetful , but I never thought I’d fuck up so badly . I mean , it wasn’t even exactly my fault . Some asshole on a bike bumped into me and my phone fell into a fucking sewer grate !._

She pulled her cracked and water logged phone out of her pocket and onto the counter . Hoping in vain once more that it would turn on . But the flicker on the screen wouldn’t hold and it was back to a black screen in no time . 

_And I guess that’s not what makes me mad . I just ... everything in that phone was so important to me and I never thought to save it anywhere . Touka you’re really gone now . Like gone gone ._

_I lost every photo of you every voicemail every text and conversation that I could relive . And worst of all that phot I had of us must’ve fallen out of my wallet too ....I just feel like a wreck . Can I wake up ? Please can I wake up I can’t believe i fucked up this hard ._ _ Another few words smudged together into blobs when tears splattered the ink . _

Yoriko tried to flutter blink her eyes . Trying her very best to bat away tears. If her phone had been working she would’ve called her girlfriend . But since it wasn’t , she confined herself to walk . 

The walk took her a while . Yorikos knees started to ache by the time she arrived at the doorstep . To the point where she had to lean on the wall after knocking on the door. 

Koemi hadn’t been expecting visitors , so when she opened the door and found her favorite girl slouched against the wall she was elated . But her smile quickly receded when Yorikos eyes met hers . 

“Sweetheart what’s wrong ?” She asked, concern welling up in her voice. She quickly embraced her and looked at her shaking figure . She bent down to her height and pushed her hair out of her face behind her ears . 

There was so much to unpack to really answer that question , far too much to want to explain . Yoriko hugged her back and softly mumbled “ I’ve just had a really rough day today Koe-chan “ 

Yoriko expected to be questioned . She expected to have to answer a lot and to give out so much of her life on the spot . But Koemi didn’t force any of that . She took her in and set her comfortably on the couch , brought her the softest blanket she’d ever felt, and came back in the room a few minutes later with a cup of hot chocolate just the way she liked it . 

“Ooo ! Carmel,chocolate shavings, and marshmallows?” Yoriko took a long sip that warmed her whole body up as it traveled down. “You’re the best Koemi.” 

“The best ?” Koemi questioned with a smirk and a sarcastic voice “ I wouldn’t say that , I’m just doing what any other worlds greatest girlfriend would do.” 

The sound of Yorikos laughter following her self complimenting was music to her ears . A girl like her was so sweet and innocent, the kind of girl that couldn’t do something wrong If she tried. And as bad as it was the world was just too harsh to the poor souls like her , but that only meant the other people who understood that had to step up to the plate and help them through it. Koemi always felt her job was keeping that precious girl warm and loved, and she was happy to have the occupation. 

The two sat and talked for hours . About happy things and fond memories and how lucky they were to have each other . They cuddled on the couch which Yoriko seemed especially fond of . She liked the comforting wave that came along with someone holding their arms around her . Hands rested delicately on her lap. Yorikos head lay softly on Koemis chest with her back toward her . It hadn’t taken Koemi long to follow her habit of running her fingers through yorikos hair gracefully like they were sifting through water . 

A weight started to run down on Yoriko’s eyelids while she was pampered like this . In all accords this would be the perfect time to get some sleep in ... but she’d never spent the night with her before . _Would that be too much ? Or too soon ? Oh I don’t know I’m sure she has better things to do than just nap the evening away with me ._

“Do you think I should head-“ 

Her lips were Abruptly stopped by a finger pressing against them 

“Shhhh~” Koemi cooed .“ You deserve a break sweetheart ... just close your eyes and let everything wash away.” 

Not much convincing was needed on that front . The girl lacked the energy to get up If she tried . So instead she chose to stay in the warmth of her embrace and slowly fade off into sleep. 

Yoriko found herself in a rather surreal location . Small hills of grass receded into pink ponds that felt cool on her bare feet . Everything was peaceful and still , the water barely distinguishable from a flat pane of glass .Swirling around her and delicately decorating the ponds surface were pink and white things she figured were flower blossoms . 

This was a surprisingly lucid dream . Most of the time they were familiar places she could put herself in ... she didn’t know where this could possibly be . She walked across the small hills , not minding a few splashes through the puddles as she explored this foreign world . 

A bench sat at the edge of one of the small hills , and someone sat at the edge of it . The female form seemed tired . And like she was waiting for someone. 

“Oh ... it’s you...” Yoriko spoke softly after recognizing the figure as Touka . She’d never felt such a lack of anything when looking at her . Whether it was a burst of joy , or depression knowing she wouldn’t be here again , or anger at knowing she was left behind , there was always something . But now she felt so empty , who sat before her didn’t matter .. 

“Even if this wasn’t a dream , I don’t know how I’d feel seeing you again “ Yoriko sat down on the bench . The wood was covered with the same dew the grass had , only serving to dampen the hem of her skirt . “I mean , some days you break my heart , some days I lose you all over again ... some days I feel like I’m better off this way . “ 

The real Touka would’ve been hurt by this. Or at the very least Yoriko hoped she would , come to think of it she didn’t really know Touka at all . She had hoped Touka wouldn’t have this same numbness , but she couldn’t blame her if she did the same right ? 

The fake Touka spoke up . 

“Hello Yoriko ...”

It was hard to place If this were really what Touka sounded like or not . Too much time had passed and memory wasn’t a kind thing . 

“ I know this isn’t real ... but I suppose I’ve been talking to a fake you for a while huh . “ Touka looked across the waters surface , she didn’t feel like she was present , just tired and bored . 

_Why does this feel like a talk between two people that would rather be anywhere but here ?_ Yoriko grew tired of this bench and gestures for Touka to follow . They sat in the soft grass and Touka slipped her feet into the water . Yoriko instead curled herself into a ball , hugging her knees and laying her head on them . She looked over at Touka with a longing , but not a longing for her , a longing to feel the joy she always expected she would if they reunited .

A cool breeze blew through their hair but she didn’t bother moving .

” What happened to us Touka ? “ she asked softly.” There was a point where you were my world ... and now you’re just gone, and those feelings drifted away with you”

Touka seemed lost in thought before responding flatly “Sometimes people drift apart Yoriko “ she sighed “ it’s just how life works “ 

There was a long pause before Yoriko spoke again . “Drifting apart is usually so gradual though , it feels like you were done with me overnight Touka . There has to be more you’re not telling me right ? “ 

Touka didn’t answer she merely waded in the water , throwing a stone and watching it skip once before sinking .

“Were you ever really happy to be around me Touka ch- ... Touka ?” Yoriko begged starting to feel overwhelmingly grey . 

Toukas response was short , to the point , and devastating . 

**No**

Yoriko sat there stunned.” W-well how would you know that ?! You’re just a fake , you’re not her! “ in her anger she found herself rearing to slap the imposter 

But  it  caught her by the wrist without so much as flinching “I’m not fake , I’m just not her .”

The fake Touka’s grip tightened on her until she felt her arm crack in ways it should never. “But isn’t that worse in a way ? In your own mind in your most private moment you know she hated you . You know that you were suffocating to her . All she wanted was to get away so badly that she abandoned her home just to get you out of her life!” 

Yoriko whimpered in pain . Tears dripping down her face as black clouds swarmed overhead . A flash of blue lightning struck the surface of the water sending its glow out in ripples . Touka didn’t look much like herself anymore , her hair grew out long and brown , a pair of glasses in front of her eyes . 

Not Koemi stepped forward .” And you still haven’t learned it . You’re so stupid ! How long do you think I’ll last before I leave you in the dust too ?” 

Yorikos breath was ragged , the air must’ve been getting thinner because the harder she tried to breathe the less air reached her lungs . She fell flat on her back and colors flared in her eyes while her head cracked against the ground . Her arm was bleeding into the grass staining it .. spreading like water color until everything around her was a mottled red brown. 

The fake Koemi kept muttering over and over to herself . 

Suffocating 

Suffocating ! 

_Suffocating_!! 

**SUFFOCATING**! 

Her hand moved impossibly fast and took an iron grip on yorikos throat . She pushed aside dirt with her skull until her head was submerged in the lake water . Both hands clenched the writhing girls throat, and the last thing Yoriko saw was Koemi’s face distorted by bubbles and ripples in the black water. 

The soft material of the couch felt so foreign . Yoriko shrieked and gasped when she jolted awake . Rolling over in her surprise and seeing the hardwood floor rushing towards her . A flash of searing pain overwhelmed her thoughts when she landed nose first . 

“Fuck ! “ she exclaimed out loud to the empty living room ,covering her nose and starting to feel her eyes water . She felt stupid for crying over it but it really fucking hurt . It didn’t feel broken at least but blood was dripping onto her cupped hands . 

_Shit this is gonna make a mess ..._

She frantically made her way to the nearest bathroom and grabbed herself enough tissues to stop the bleeding as well as wash the dried blood off her hands , turning the water a misty pink before it ran down the drain . 

_It seems so quiet .. where’s Koemi ?_ “Koe-Chan ? Are you home ?” She called out into the living room . Silence was the only response .  _Guess that answers that question._

A note written in cursive with a purple pen sat on the kitchen counter. 

Hey babe ! I had to head out early to get working on a project and you looked too peaceful to wake up . You’re welcome to stay here till I get back in the afternoon if you want ! I’ll see ya when I get back!”She considered staying but ...  _I’m sure she’s tired of me after yesterday , I don’t want to exhaust her..._

_Suffocating ... that’s what I am right?_

She took a moment to consider it but her mind had clearly already been made up . 

Sorry I’m just busy today , but I’ll see you later alright ? I’m gonna look into getting a new phone soon . 

Yoriko left feeling more bummed than anything . _I’m just gonna do everything to make today productive , maybe then I’ll feel a bit better ._

A busy mind doesn’t have much time to think . Her apartment was cleaned , her clothes were washed , and she had a working phone again . 

Nothing transferred aside from her contacts .  _Just what I expected, god damn it._

Her phone started ringing from messages she had missed . Several were sent this morning from Koemi. 

Hey babe let me know when you get your new phone 

I hope you slept well 

Aw ... sucks you’re not staying over again , I enjoyed having you spend the night .

Just let me know when you got your phone I can’t wait to talk to you . 

Yoriko once more had to resist answering .  _I need to give her a break from me . I don’t want her to keep giving to me because she feels bad , or because I’m too needy or something like that . It’s fine , I can just talk to her tomorrow , she’d probably prefer that anyway ..._

The unfinished journal entry was calling her name . And as she went back to her desk she saw just how distraught she had been the day before. 

_Dear touka , I feel a lot better now ._

She paused to ponder for a moment . 

_Well maybe not better , but I don’t feel as bad as I did yesterday . You really get in my head sometimes you know that ? You make it so hard to be secure in myself when the only person I ever have to blame is me . I mean I dream of you still and you’ve stopped being a comfort , the you I see scares me , she hates me , and it makes me hate me too . I want to say I know you would never feel that way but the longer I’m without you the harder it is to deny it ._

Another text came in on her phone , it was a picture from Koemi .

Hey flower girl , I figured you’d need something new for your phone background since you’re starting from ground zero . 

The photo was of the two of them . Yoriko was smiling wider than ever and Koemi had her arm wrapped around her shoulder . The sun was just setting in the background and yoriko could feel herself so wrapped in the memory that the warmth of the sun kissed her shoulders . In stark contrast with the struggle to take a photo she had with Touka.

She broke her concentration and texted back. 

Hey just got it charged and turned on .

Nothing better than getting to be connected to you again ! Thanks so much for the photo . 

Bizarrely enough her whole demeanor changed .  It’s funny how someone can make you flip like a switch huh?  She chuckled a little to herself , returning to the journal . 

_But you know what ? I’m sick of it ... I’m sick of pretending I’m what’s wrong . I’m happy with Koemi , she’s happy with me , so fuck if I care about anything else . You ran away from me but that doesn’t mean I was the one suffocating you . If anything that’s your fault , you make me feel like so much weight is pushing down on my shoulders all the time . I know I was timid before I met you but now I’m just struggling not to be broken . Maybe you should feel bad for a change touka . Cus I’m done with that shit ._

She slammed the book closed and felt a sense of relief . Getting her agrression out like that really helped , and now she could go back to being her usual self . She kept true to her promise , not letting Touka’s weight push down the truth that Koemi cared for her . And it got easier with every day she didn’t give that power over her . 

And it finally left her system completely the day that Koemi said that one special phrase . 

“ You ... you love me ?” Yoriko had asked wide eyed like a deer in the headlights “A-are you sure ? I mean I’m so happy to hear it but I don’t want you to just th-throw around the term like that if you - “

“ I mean it “ Koemi reiterated holding both of Yoriko’s hands and taking another step through the leaves in her driveway “ One hundred percent , no take backs , fully serious , I love you Yoriko ... I wouldn’t have waited this long if I didn’t have that guarantee .”

Yorikos cheeks flushed pink and she felt herself shaking from her fingertips to her chest . Her heart was pounding, and before she could say another word she hugged her tight and laughed euphorically .” That’s so amazing to hear Koe-chan , I genuinely just ... ahh !” She kissed her on the lips and gasped when Koemi lifted her up into her arms bridal style 

_Jeez she’s strong ~_ “ I’ve been really scared to say it , I kinda figured I’d scare you off if I clung to you too early ... b-but if you’re gonna be open about it ...” 

she looked her in her beautiful eyes “ I love you too Koe-Chan , I love you so much !” Koemi leaned in pressing their noses together before cementing the exchange with another slow kiss that felt like electricity flowing through her . 

It felt incredible to be validated that way . And it was such a stable and constant validation . The girl felt so whole every day . Like a weight was lifted 

And for some time , no matter how brief , she didn’t need to talk with Touka anymore . 

She stayed in this perfect terrarium , where everything stayed still and special . Keeping her safe in her love . The only thing able to break that bubble was the stress of meeting Koemi’s parents.

Her heart was pounding in her throat when her girlfriend introduced her to them . She was so worried they wouldn’t like her , but their hugs were comforting and much needed . 

And she was touched when she had Koemi’s support and understanding for not feeling ready to come out to her own parents yet . 

_Dear Touka ... I think I may have been wrong about ghouls __,_ she began, starting back on the entries after a particularly long break from them . She felt a bit remorseful towards how she left her thoughts with her and wanted to start somewhat fresh . 

_ I know before I said they were monsters . But I’ve said a lot of things , I mean an entire group of people can’t be entirely evil , it’s kind of silly for me to even think so . Despite her constant dismissal of the ghoul based literature , Koemi had finally pushed her hand . And it was a lot more compelling than she had expected the thing to be .  _ _Takatsuki Sen’s new book was really eye opening . I mean she talked about this girl who lost her parents , to these monsters that abused their power . They needed to eat human meat but they never hurt anyone , only taking from people that were already dead ... and this man was praised for murdering their whole family._ _ She was taken aback by the fact.  _ _It’s just insane to think that maybe they’re not all the bad ones , and that situations like these aren’t a rare experience . I suppose there’s not much of a need to tell you this but it’s just been on my mind . I’ve always put this pressure on the ghouls for losing you ... but the more I look into it the more it becomes clear . The Ccg started that riot , they initiated it , they probably shot at you , blew up your safe place to live . For what it’s worth I really am sorry for my misplaced blame ..._

Life began to follow its lovely habit of becoming a pattern . Yoriko had her talks with Touka , she’d have her days with Koemi , which had become longer and longer with their new habit of sleeping over at each other’s apartments .  _My own apartment is practically a formality at this point_ Yoriko often thought while spending day’s straight at her girlfriends home .Their relationship had grown and flourished like the flowers they spent so much time around . Deep in her heart Yoriko had held this inseparable connection . 

_Time feels so strange Touka ... on one hand it’s so fast but on the other it drags on so much._ Yoriko tapped her pen against her shoulder . She was wearing such cozy pajamas to compensate for the chilly weather outside . Koemi’s bed wasn’t quite as warm with its owner . A fact that was only accentuated by her own wishy washy feelings. 

_This is a new one .... it’s like I haven’t eaten all day. But I’ve been so happy lately , I shouldn’t feel like this when everything’s going right ... and yet logic doesn’t seem to help much ._

_It’s almost been a year since I met my sweetheart Koe-chan , and somehow it feels like it’s been so much longer than that . She’s so new in my life but her impact is so intense , it had to be longer than that , but no , not even a full year_ _._

She shifted to be more comfortable . Hugging a pillow closer to herself to feel a bit less a lone. 

_But Touka that means it’s been over a year without you . If anything I should’ve adjusted by now , I’m sure you already have ... and yet I still find myself expecting to see your face behind the counter when I order coffee . I still cook too big of portions for just myself , like my hands just can’t remember you’re not here to eat it ._

_I just wish I could forget! Imagine how much easier things would be if I hated your guts . It should be so easy to ! I’ve lost basically everything that ties to you , all the friends we shared are gone . The place we stayed I left ...some days I worry you could walk right past me and I wouldn’t even recognize you._

_But in part I feel like that’s a good thing . And I feel bad for thinking it’s good but I can’t deny it’s nice to know I might actually be moving on from you .And hey , I mean maybe we can celebrate , get a cake for a year apart or something._

She laughed a little to herself and sighed .  _It’s so tiring living like this though ... who knows maybe next year I won’t have to be writing you to cope anymore . But I don’t know if I want that either . As silly as it sounds I really do value these little talks , no matter how one sided they may be . They help a lot..._

She heard the sound of Koemi’s car pulling up and the door closing . Deciding to finish things up and wrap herself in her lovers addictive warmth she turned back for her closing thoughts .

_I can’t help but think if things had gone differently you’d still be here ... but if that were the case I wouldn’t have met Koemi ... Even with you gone you’re still influencing my life for the better._

_I’ll see you again tomorrow , bye for now . _

The sound of the front door opening was music to her ears . She leaped up hardly remembering to close the diary laying open on koemis bed . 

“You’rehome !” She eagerly giggled out, considering running in for a hug but stopping when she noted the grocery bags in her hands. 

“Oh come on just give me one second dear “Koemi stated with a blissful grin before setting the food down on their kitchen counter “ Alright now , come ‘ere “ she spread her arms out welcomingly . 

Incapable of resisting that invitation Yoriko soared through the air to land in her arms and hug her tight . Koemi stumbles but grabbed her thighs and held her in place . 

“How are you so strong ?!~” Yoriko gasped as surprised as she was every other time . But Koemi chuckled, bemused as she had always been.

“ I’m not ! You’re just not very heavy. “ 

“ I’m heavy enough to not be easy to sweep off my feet !”

“No you’re incredibly easy to sweep off your feet darling ... now come on “ she punctuated with a kiss on the nose “ I need help carrying in the rest of these groceries “ 

“You go change into something with less soil on it “ Yoriko gestured to the shirt that had little remembrance of its original white color “ I can handle the rest !” 

“If you insist ... but don’t do it all in one trip !” She scolded “ you’ll hurt yourself “ Koemi instructed . 

“Oh don’t be silly , I’m an adult I know better than that “ Yoriko laughed as she trailed out the front door , readying her arms for carry everything in one trip . 

Koemi felt exhausted from work , it was so hot out she felt like her body was close to collapse . A change of clothes and maybe a cold shower would do her a lot of good . But the open book on her bed proved a mystery . The handwriting looked so familiar , but _Yoriko wasn’t much of a writer was she ?_

It wasn’t like she meant to pry it was just a genuine curiosity , she had no way of knowing the value it held . 

Are these letters to someone ?  Suddenly her head felt hot . Having been cheated on before this wasn’t exactly a promising situation . She skimmed through some of the pages and found herself more flushed and anxious with every line . This was some girl she’d never mentioned . 

So many pages about her value , and how nice she was ... how she dreamed about her .. how the whole reason she broke down crying at her front door was because she lost her photos . 

_She misses her? ... she’s never talked about her with me . And there’s so much in here. It’s like she writes to her daily.._

She wanted to be angry or furious , but more than anything she was scared of her previous relationship repeating itself . 

When Yoriko came in the room , marks on her arms from how the excessive amount of grocery bags pulled at her skin, she felt sick seeing the book in her girlfriends hands . 

And as Koemi stumbled out her next words , with regret soaked into her expression ,it felt like a nightmare coming to fruition .

“Who’s Touka ...?” 

It took a moment for things to settle down . Koemi and Yoriko were both so scared for completely different reasons . Koemi struggled to stay calm, trying her absolute best not to see all her answers as excuses , but failing . 

“So what ? She’s like your ex girlfriend or something ?” She uttered, far more than agitated

“N-no we weren’t together ...” Yoriko stammered , blown away that she’d come to that assumption . 

“Don’t play dumb with me Yoriko “ she grumbled “You dont write love notes to someone every day of the year and keep them to yourself for fun . You’ve clearly got it bad for her ... was she after me ? “ Koemi had a scared realization .” O-Or am I her replacement ?”

It’s so hard to tell what words will make you cry . Sometimes you don’t even realize it happens before your body does , but that hit her like an arrow . The idea that Koemi somehow wasn’t enough for her made her whole body buckle down . She couldn’t even respond she just fell to her knees and sobbed . 

Koemi was mad but she wasn’t heartless . All it did was snap her back to who she wanted to be . Gingerly her hand wrapped around her back. 

“ I’m sorry ... I shouldn’t have yelled ... I’m sure you have a good reason I just , I need to know what that reason is before we can move on from this ...” 

And given a reasonable amount of time to calm down , Yoriko wiped her eyes dry , stabilized herself on the carpet . And sat down on the floor to tell the story of the girl who left her behind . 

Koemi felt like an asshole after she explained everything . _It sounded so traumatic ..._ _ And here I am yelling at her about it ... god what is wrong with me . _

But to make matters worse ... she still couldn’t convince herself that she didn’t care about Touka that way . She had her reasons for talking to her sure , but the way she talked to Touka was just the same way she talked to herself . Like they were the world and she was just happy to be in it . 

She apologized repeatedly and Yoriko had plenty of valid reasons for not bringing her up . But despite Yorikos genuine forgiveness , and Koemis all but hidden jealousy , an awkward tension fell between them . 

They put the issue to bed and themselves to bed . And when Yoriko woke up the following morning Koemi had already left for an early start at work . 

_It doesn’t mean anything ..._

Koemi struggled to convince herself while rubbing dirt off the corner of her glasses. 

_Distance makes emotions more intense ... she’s probably dead , she’s not in love with her she’s just mourning her that’s all . All I need to do is support her , and maybe someday she’ll be done with that journal and we can move on together . _

_And for now what she was really excited for was a far more important milestone ._ In six days it would mark the one year anniversary of their relationship. Neither of them had ever been in a relationship for that long so it really was a momentous occasion . And Koemi wasn’t about to let a little argument get between celebrating it perfectly . 

Days went by quickly . Reservations were made . She bought herself a new dress . But as much as the good things were piling on so too were the problems with Touka. 

Yoriko would ignore texts while writing diary entries and have that look in her eye of a school girl with a crush writing a valentine.

Every time she saw her at the book it felt like a punch in the stomach. 

Once when Yoriko didn’t seem to notice she was home , she called her to say how much she loved her but ... she didn’t even look down to answer until she finished writing. She was enamored with her time with Touka. 

“What’re you up to?” Koemi tested, hoping she could at least be forward about when she was talking to her . 

“Oh just waiting for you to get home . “ Yoriko responded. She failed the test . And when she jumped into her arms she couldn’t shake the feeling that their hearts were slowly starting to beat more and moreout of sync.

Finally it was their actual anniversary . Yoriko was so sweet in the morning , making breakfast in bed for her girlfriend where every bite was filled with love . She wished she didn’t have to go to work but she promised she would meet her at the restaurant they had reserved later that evening . 

Work was long and hot but all day she thought about seeing her angel . She was so happy to get cleaned up and ready . Her heart just fluttering and filling her whole body with so much joy when she saw her new look in the mirror. She had a cute yellow dress with flower patterns down the side . She prettied up her hair in a way she adored, plenty of curls, and made her way down to meet her loving girlfriend 

She pulled up and saw her ... still writing in that damn diary .  _Is there not one single day you can spend thinking about us and not her ?_

It was nauseating... today was so important to the both of them and even still Touka was the first person on her mind. At this point she reached her limit . She loved her a lot but she couldn’t handle being toyed around like this . The gift she had bought earlier that day was moved to her back pocket . Anger lit a fire in her stomach as she exited the car . 

Yoriko looked up from her book genuinely elated , but her smile faded once she saw how upset her girlfriend was . “What’s wrong Koe-Chan? A-are you okay ?” She asked seeping with worry .

“We need to talk ...” Koemi said slowly . Grabbing Yoriko’s hand and walking down the dark street with her to sort it out . 

“ It’s not fair to keep a girl guessing Yoriko ... “ she began tapping her foot anxiously . 

“Koemi I swear don’t know what you mean “ she did her best to wrap her brain around it until it clicked .”oh ... is this about Touka again ...” she mumbled feeling almost embarrassed. 

“Yes ! Of course it’s about her.” She shot back offended she even needed to clarify “It’s always about her Yoriko “ 

Yoriko wasn’t certain how to respond .”You look beautiful tonight ...” was her best attempt at just changing the subject . 

“Yoriko we can’t just gloss this over , this is really really weighing on me babe ... it’s hard to feel like I’m the least important person between myself and a book “ 

Yoriko stood stunned , but too conflicted to correct her . “ Ok ... I’m sorry I , I didn’t want to hurt you “ she sighed “ It’s only fair I hear you out s-so ... whatever you need to say please go ahead “  _ I know this is gonna hurt but I can’t just leave this unsaid , it’s just gonna make this worse. _

The pair looked around to be sure they were alone , mildly concerned about being out alone in the middle of the night , but much more so focused on the issue at hand . 

Koemi attempted to compose herself , prioritizing honesty over winning an argument and hoping to find a happy solution for the both of them . 

“Yoriko when you look at me do you see me ? I know it sounds harsh but , I can’t help but think you just like the idea of me not ... the real me . Like sometimes you just see right through me and you’re just looking at her , and what you wish she gave you.“ 

Her words hit like daggers in her heart.  _How could she think that ... I .. I love her of course I love her ._ But the more she considered the less certain she was . “I’m sorry Koemi “ she started , wanting to give her the real truth “ but I don’t know how to answer that ...” 

“What the hell ? Yoriko what is that supposed to mean , how would you not know ? I-I know how I feel about you , I love you Yoriko.” Her eyes begged her for any change in her answer , but Yoriko averted her gaze and only made this more sickening . 

The conversation was tense, it felt like ages before Yoriko actually aknowledged her and that made things all the worse. 

Koemi sounded more and more frantic , stress flowing through her veins. 

She walked closer and held both of Yoriko trembling hands in her own . “You’re an honest person Yoriko ... please ... just tell me the truth . “ she begged.

“You’re like the closest I’ve ever felt with someone .I’m thinking you might be ...  the one ...” 

Her eyes were watering . “Please tell me what we have is real ... p-please tell me you’re not more in love with the dead girl who left you than your actual loving supportive girlfriend . _This has to be some sort of bad dream she can’t be serious about this , can she ?_

“ Yoriko please “ the now exasperated girl begged “ ... please just tell me I’m wrong , tell me the whole thing is crazy and it’s in my head and I’m some jealous asshole but just... tell me you don’t love her that way ... tell me you love me for myself. “ Her glasses were getting foggy , and her cheeks were getting wet . 

_Wake up just wake up please wake up from this nightmare . Don’t take such a big part of my life away from me ._

Yoriko wanted so badly to comply but her throat just couldn’t push out the words . She let go of her lovers hands . Embarrassed by her inability to comfort her . She looked down and started to shake a little on her own “ I ... I-I .. Koe-Chan ...” she sniffled and broke down crying as soon as she made eye contact , so scared to see the expression of someone she hurt like touka hurt her . 

Suddenly a pair of desperate hands grabbed at her shoulders . Looking her straight on to show how serious she was .

“Yoriko I don’t care ... I don’t care if you loved her I don’t care if you still do!”  _That much is a lie , it hurts a ton to be betrayed like that , but it would hurt so much more if she left over this._

“She’s gone Yoriko ... can’t we just let her move on behind us ... remember the good memories and just look forward to  our future ?” She was prolonging what was inevitable, and her heart shattered when through all the struggling to hold on ...

Yoriko shook her head no 

_So that’s the answer huh ..._

_She loves touka ...Not me_

She wanted to break down crying and let Yoriko hold her but even her most basic coping mechanism couldn’t work now. 

Yoriko Hugged Koemi hard , crying herself, eyes brimmed with tears and soaking into the shoulder of her new dress.

“ I-I’m sorry “ Yorikobawled .  Clearly she wanted me to be wrong but she just couldn’t deny the truth . 

_When Yoriko loves she loves with everything she has .... and I’m so happy that even with the pain , I was lucky to have those few months where she thought she loved me .. and I’m lucky I got to love her back for real ._

The hug lasted far longer than it should have . But it was okay . With both of their breathing getting hoarse from the sobs overflowing they just held each other shaking . 

As much as neither of them wanted to believe it ...this would be the last time they’d hold each other like this . 

_ I just need to let her touch ... her love ... sink in one last time before it’s really gone. _

Koemi was the one to initiate it , she had to pry herself away with everything she had , she was so emotionally latched on it felt much more painful than anything she could handle.

“So ... that’s it then ...” Koemi asked dejectedly. Yoriko parted her lips to respond but before a sound was made Koemi swooped in . She kissed her as passionately as the first time , she felt that same spark . Tears rushed past when her eyes flickered closed.

Despite how complicated everything was , Yoriko opened her eyes and saw the same girl behind the door of her apartment , on that lovely first date she’d never experienced with anyone before . The lights danced in the reflection of her eyes . And when she blinked she saw her now ... looking down at her expectantly, hopefully , with eyes brimming with tears snd nothing but grey damp bricks behind her. 

Koemi was smart enough to see the spark wasn’t enough to burn away the memory of Touka. 

“... I had to give it another shot right ?” Koemi tried to have a more lighthearted tone for their last moments , but she just sounded depressed behind her lie of a smile . 

“Goodbye Yoriko ... I love you ..”

Yoriko couldn’t bring herself to hurt Koemi by saying it back . 

_One foot after the other ... just walk ... come on Koemi it’s not that hard. You’ve done this shit before it’s nothing new . Sometimes you meet the girl of your dreams and you’re not quite as special to her ..._

After walking far enough away she reached for her keys and instead her hands brushed against a small white box. 

A sigh escaped her and she felt herself breaking all over again . The cold promise rings felt empty now . What they stood for felt broken ... she couldn’t even bear to look at them . 

_Yoriko would’ve loved these so muchshe’d smile at me and pull me close , and she’d show them off to anyone who’d listen ..._

She knew she should return thembut it was far harder than she would’ve expected . 

She found herself flipping through the mental scrapbook of their relationship . Memories went through her mind so fast , and the more she thought about ignoring them the stronger they were . 

Remembering the comfort she felt when she said “Koemi I love you too. “The way she made her so warm and safe when she laid against her every night. Seeing that adorable girls expression when she first saw her behind the counter and thought ... maybe It’stime to give this another shot. 

The rings fell out of her trembling hand,she couldn’t bring herself to pick them back up. They laid there isolated , leaving what could have been by the dirty sewer grate. 

_Why’d it have to be her ?Of all the people I could’ve fallen for why’d I get stuck with the one who was already taken? Touka ... why are you the one who’s so lucky as to have her genuine love?_

“Why couldn’t it have been me ?” She found herself asking out loud to no one but the stale night breeze. 

_I would’ve given her the world , and you just left her . What the fuck is wrong with you . What kind of person turns down someone like her ?!_

_And just how unfair is it that you would just make me fall in love with you. Yoriko , you made me let my guard down and you just hurt me even worse.Why would you kiss me when your lips were meant for someone else’s ._

_I consoled every issue you came to me with , I thought I needed to be strong . Maybe if I had been honest with myself , and with you, about just how scared I was every day that you’d leave me , how hard it was to believe you when you said you cared about me . How fucked up I was after my last girlfriend humiliated me and hurt me snd cheated on me . Maybe If I was brave enough then you wouldn’t have fallen back in love with her . Maybe If i was real with you I could’ve been enough ._

Every part of her body begged her to run back to her girlfriend . To forgive her and just play pretend . She forced it away but her heart was stronger . She couldn’t stop herself from taking one glance back . She made eye contact with the girl she’d given her heart to, and felt even more crushed when she turned back forward . Suffering the knowledge that this would be the last time got to look at the love of her life. 

_Why couldn’t I have been you ._

Yoriko had walked straight home , her small apartment much smaller without Koemi’s presence in her heart . She sat and sobbed and talked to the only girl that would listen to her right now 

_Dear touka ... my girlfriend broke up with me today ...._

_I don’t know what’s worse , that she left me ... or that it hurt more when you left ... honestly I think she’s right . I feel horrible for doing it but I just needed anyone to take my mind away from you ._

_You fucked me up Touka._

Yoriko’s handwriting got gradually worse and she had to take an hour to herself , struggling severely not to call Koemi again during that time. 

_I know it’s silly to be embarrassed by something you might not ever read but Koemimade me think it over and ... I think I’min love with you ... have been for a while now ... it’s a strange freedom ... but being free from everyone is so empty. I hate knowing it so much , I wanted to repress it and forget you and burn this stupid book to take her back ... but I just couldn’t . What use is it knowing I love you if I don’t even have you here to do something about it . Loving you is a curse more than anything , keeping me from her but making me want to be with you so badly._ _I just really wish you were here . I need you... please come back to me ...”_

They didn’t speak anymore . No new calls , neither of them willing to hurt again ... 

But for Yoriko not talking this out was hurting her still . Her awful actions digging away at her morals . At the very least she needed to let her voice be heard ... so despite Koemi not yet being willing to open it , Yoriko dropped off a letter that read ...

_Dear Koemi_

_I’m sorry ..._

_Before you read this and think it’s a cheap ploy to win you back, it’s not . I know I messed up bad with you and I just wanted to try and make that right ._

_I didn’t know how I felt about Touka ... I promise . I think I wanted to love you , I tried to really hard . But it was just a distraction , I wanted to convince myself I could be happy without her , cus I don’t think I’ll ever find her again ._

_Even though I think she’s probably gone I still can’t bring myself to give up and stop writing to her ..._

_I want you to know that I’m never gonna look back at our time together as a mistake . You made me whole in a time where I felt crushed . You helped me accept myself . You weren’t a placeholder . You were what held me together ._ _And I don’t know where I would be without you ._

_I cherished you ... I never wanted to hurt you the same way your ex girlfriend ... I mean , your_ _**other** ex girlfriend did . But I hurt you and I need to own up for that . _

_I know now that Touka is the only one who’s gonna fill that void . And I’m not gonna hurt anyone else with the same problem._

_If I don’t find her , I don’t wanna kid myself with someone else .You were an experience I wouldn’t trade for the world ._

_I know it’s selfish for me to say this but of all the people who I could’ve spent my first relationship with I’m really happy it was you . No matter the outcome ._

_ Thank you for you  _

_Love_

_Your flower girl_


End file.
